Advice Archives
WARNING! The advice section of this site is for entertainment purposes only! None of us has any training. We're more of a sham than Lady Cleo. We're just trying to be funny. Need advice? Fill out our online advice request form!
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Sleeping with Co-workers 
Two weeks into a new job, a woman sleeps with a co-worker and experiences obligatory awkwardness. What's next?
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Is Live Action Hentai Porn?
Yes to hot girls. No to penetratrion. Yes to phallic tentacles. What does it count as?
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Incarceration, Insecurity, and Insertion
Oh, and infuriation, too! Woman has three way with boyfriend and jailbirdette best friend and DOESN'T LIKE IT!
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What Should I Do with a Neutral Monk?
Dungeons and Dragons brethren unite! An RPGer wants to know what to do with his newly neutered... err, neutral monk.
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Overcoming Ugliness
A reader asks, "How can I ask someone out if I'm butt-ass freaking ugly?" (Not exactly in those words.)
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Teen Love in Ireland
More sappy teen love questions... this time from sunny Ireland where the whisky roams the shamrock covered land. Huh?
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Is Superman Gay?
Oh man... what has the WB's re-envisioning of the Man of Steel done to our big blue icon? Waitaminute, that sounds bad...
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What Percentage of Men Go Bald?
George Forman, Lex Luthor, Kojak, Billy Corgan, Professor X, Bruce Willis, Mr. Clean, Sinead O'Connor...
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Ugly Alyssa?
A strange unspecified advice request involving a turtle-like girl named Alyssa. Who's the boss?
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How do You Use a Bidet?
Was Paul Hogan not the only confused person during the hotel bathroom scene in Crocodile Dundee? Read on.
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Dorknan the Toymaster
Seriously, you're NEVER too old for toys. BTW, one of our favorite movies is Beastmaster!
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Hot Guy and the Girl She Can't Stand
Editor Steve is suddenly concerned that the Newmoanyeah audience now consists of 14 year old girls.
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Long Lost Montanino
A mysterious email arrives at Newmoanyeah. Can Justin solve the mystery before the Red Sox win the World Series?
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Boyfriend Suddenly Bi
We have the largest group of sex/relationship dysfunctional readers on the entire web. (Not verified by scientific study.)
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Her Elf Likes My Paladin
Dude... I'd be psyched if Sci Fi or Comedy Channel would let me produce a Geek Dating Game TV show.
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Vampires Sexier Than Werewolves?
More beastiality and doggie style jokes than you can shake a stick at... and play fetch with.
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Where Did the Sex Go?
Ever wonder why it seems the sex dwindles in long-term relationships? So did this reader.
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Like, What Are College Essentials?
Back to normal advice this week with four staffers giving surprisingly helpful advice.
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Editor Steve Helps the Help
Staffers asked the questions and their "boss" provided the answers. Thank Jehovah he's not their therapist!
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Anal Sex and Incontinence
Surprisingly helpful info for guy concerned about riding his girlfriend's Doo Doo Choo Choo too frequently.
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Keeping Your Endorsement Deals
A reader charged with sexual assault writes in for advice on how to keep his endorsement deals.
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More Sex Questions
Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. C-c-c-c-come on!
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Falling for the Wrong Guy
An innocent girl writes for relationship advice... and the staff goes house on her grammatical deficiencies instead!
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Harry Potter Book Too Heavy
We "moaned with longing" as we discovered a good way to lug around that heavy-ass book.
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What If: Baldwins vs. Sheens
I don't know about you, but I'd go see this tag-team bout live at Madison Square Garden!
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Hey Hey We're the Monkeypox
BAD prairie dog! Learn what the hell Monkeypox are and how to keep them the hell away from you.
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Bruce vs. Jackie vs. Jet vs. Ray
First of all, the half-wit who wrote in should realize that Darth Maul's real name is Park, not Parks.
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How Do We Feel About Canadians?
Actually, Editor Steve would love to get a geeky Canadian female on the writing staff. Any takers?
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Buffy-less Tuesdays
Damn! Now that Buffy is ending, what the Hellmouth are you going to do with your Tuesday nights?
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Batman and Wonder Woman Sittin' in a Tree...
In JLA #74, Batman and Wonder Woman share a kiss on the battlefield. A reader has conflicting emotions about this.
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Oral and Digit-al Pleasure
Virgin with horrible spelling habits requests sex advice for his mouth and fingers.
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House of 1,000 Corpses a Good Date Flick?
My my my. What troubled readers have we. Furthermore, what a high percentage of virgins!
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Sex Manual Recommendations
Kama Kama Kama Kama Kama Sutrameleon... you COME and go... you COME and gooooo!
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Zelda Has Balls in Sling
Yes, this title could be interpretted many ways. See how it applies to a loyal reader.
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Stripping for College
Is working as a stripper an acceptable way to pay for your college education? Well, it doesn't bother us...
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Please Don't Feed the Sarlacc
Don't ask me how, but the Sarlacc Pit managed to log into Holonet and send us an advice request!
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Waterworld and K. Costner
"Was Waterworld bad for my career?" may not be as much of a rhetorical question as you think.
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Loved for Your 8-bit NES?
A hottie reader of ours is under the delusion that the boys just like her for her old-school Nintendo console!
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Fiancée Three-Way
Maybe you should wait until AFTER you're married to suggest a threesome. Just a thought...
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Getting Backstage
If you're not a big-breasted slut, you might need some help getting backstage at a concert.
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Losing Your Virginity
Wondering when you should "give it up"? Devirginization. As always, advice is for entertainment purposes only.
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Board Game Loser
Tired of losing game after game? Find out the secret to four staffers' board game success!
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LotR: Two Towers Stupidity
For the last time, The Two Towers has absolutely NOTHING to do with September 11th. Damn.
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Soiled Yourself at Work?
There's that Disney Cruise flu bug going around and this advice entry is marginally related to it.
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Keeping New Years Resolutions
Advice on how to keep your New Years resolutions... for once. Inventive! Gargantuan! Dashing! Rico Suavé!
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Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records
Nifty... I feel like we were actually funny, sarcastic, AND helpful all at once, for the first time!
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What to Get a Non-Geek For X-mas
A reader needs help shopping for his girlfriend. 3 out of 4 newmoanyeah staffers completely unhelpful!
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Sex with Your Opposite-Sex Clone
Oy vey. When I agreed to assign this question, I had no idea how... disturbing this would get. YEESH.
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How Do Hutts Have Sex?
Jabba obviously had a thing for scantily-clad humanoids, but just how do Hutts reproduce with other Hutts?
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Bad Plumbing, Not the Human Kind
A leaky faucet ails one of our readers. Four (remotely) skilled staffers to the rescue! Nyuck nyuck nyuck.
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Poop Stuck to Cat's Butt
On to more practical advice about what to do when your cat's draggin' poop all over the damn house.
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Stretch... OW!!!
Stretching seemed like SUCH a good idea at the time, didn't it? Now to us you come, pleading for wisdom.
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Approaching the Opposite Sex
Some poor reader can't approach members of the opposite sex and he/she expects four newmoanyeah staffers to help him?
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Proper Butt Care
Four newmoanyeah staffers eloquently inform a hirsute reader on the best way to wipe (or not wipe) his ass.
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Penis Enlargement
Four completely unqualified people give advice about gettin' the one-eyed snake to grow.
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