Shinobi Yourself.
It's a widely accepted fact that ninjas are cool...but you'd never know it by the movies made about them. 3 Ninjas, Surf Ninjas, American Ninja, Elektra...Western cinema seems bent on systematically destroying the image of awesome lethality projected by masked assassins in black pajamas.

While pirates -- the natural enemy of the ninja -- increase in popularity, ninjas can only hope any pizza-craving sewer mutants that have taken on their art don't embarrass them too badly. Certainly Japan's never retorted with any anthropomorphic nonsense mocking ancient American occupations, like Kung-Fu Komodo Dragon Confederate Soldiers or Panda Cowboys*.

Ninja Guidin'.
Where do these movies go wrong? Let's start by examining the basic tenents of ninjitsu set forth by the highest authority on such things; The Real Ultimate Power Webpage:

1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

While the first law rules out any talking teenage turtles as ninja, how difficult can the rest be to follow? Pretty damn hard, apparently; to the point that not even the land of the ninja's origin can make a solid picture themselves. Let's start by looking at the action-comedy Red Shadow: The Ninja Movie.

Shadow Stabbing

Ninja or no, sometimes you can't beat the direct approach.

To have the huge pair of shuriken to name a film "The Ninja Movie" you'd think it'd have all three laws covered, and for about the first forty-five minutes it does. The young ninja Red Shadow, his love interest Asuka, and their comic relief sidekick Blue Shadow are a team sent on hilariously video game-inspired infiltrations -- there's even a MISSION START! screen at the beginning of each.

In one particularly hilarious scene, Red Shadow's crew make it to the rafters over their target only to find it already filled with other ninja there for the same purpose; perched on the beams like crows on a telephone line. A comedically awkward turf war ensues in the crawlspace, and this is when the movie is at its best: walking a fine line between parody and homage of the ninja genre**.

However, a major plot point shoves the movie out of its gleeful adolescence and into an adulthood neither it nor the audience is ready for. There are occasional flashes of the inspired first act among the supporting cast (the foxy limber Russian cat burglar / gymnast is a definite standout), but overall it never recovers from such an awkward, sudden change.

Not that Red Shadow's attempt to elicit some other sentiment besides NINJAS ARE SWEET makes it bad; but why experiment with the concept of ninja when nobody's gotten it right yet?

The DVD of the movie comes with an entire second disc of extra features that prove to be more entertaining than the film itself: most notably an extensive director's video diary behind-the scenes (mainly offering glimpses of the ridiculous cowboy hat the director wears while filming).

Sexy No Jutsu
Kunoichi: Lady Ninja makes up for Red Shadow's timidity in spades. The Real Ultimate Power Webpage warns that at any time a ninja can totally flip out and kill someone for no reason, and that's exactly what happens here -- emphasis on the no reason part.

This movie is one in a series of Japanese legends adapted for the big screen, and the result is similar to someone totally unfamiliar with Lord Of The Rings walking in on the siege of Minas Tirith.

Yet as much as the movies deviate from the books, thankfully neither Arwen nor Aowyn can emit lightning bolts from their bare nipples or absorb an energy blast to the crotch. Certainly would've made Miranda Otto's battle with the Witch King more interesting, though.

Naturally, both of the previous acts occur in Kunoichi multiple times; even simultaneously at one point. See, the lady ninjas the movie centers on posess the powers of "sex magic" which they use to take vengeance on a feudal lord and his demonic henchman, who massacred the convent they belonged to. That's right -- a nunnery was destroyed, and the survivors all became ninjas.

Only in Japan.

A gynecologist's worst nightmare: the hoo-hoo Hadouken (Down, Down-Forward, Forward & Punch).

A minor aside to this statement: nearly every bad work of Asian fantasy has some weird interpretation of Son Goku the Monkey King from the Eastern legend Journey To The West (see Dragon Ball Z -- no, wait, don't). The one assigned to this movie isn't onscreen more than five minutes before he pulls his own eyes from their sockets and casts them on the ground to become GIANT CYCLOPIAN SAMURAI.

Their master shrieks with a delight only a blind insane apeman with transforming eyeballs could know as his ocular henchman go forth to do his bidding. Now I'm certainly no Eastern theology scholar, but...what the fuck?

Team Ninja
And here, among the galaxy of Kunoichi's flaws lies its most fatal -- it's far too insane to be coherent. In the DVD extras, one of the actresses chirps "This movie is hot like a midsummer night," but the only yellow fever you're likely to contract from this is a jaundiced delerium.

On the web: Red Shadow on DVD
Also on the web: Kunoichi: Lady Ninja on DVD