The Dork of the Matinee.
Hi! I'm Johnathan "Japanerd" Mason. You're no doubt familiar with my hilarious, witty, & off-kilter essays on pop culture which have not only won acclaim and riches, but helped form Newmoanyeah into the 'zine powerhouse it is today.

As you might have surmised, the most impressive of my talents happens to be my vivid and active imagination. So in light of arguably the greatest human tragedy of the new millennium, I sprang into action by meditating on ways to help all the tsunami victims. And in my own inimitable style, I've come up with a solution: bad movies.

Coming Retractions.
It's common knowledge now that the United States government has volunteered relief funds to the shattered remains of Indonesia, but it simply isn't enough! The question on everyone's lips seems to be "What can we do?"

Every year, millions of dollars are poured into awful, substandard cinematic product with nary the blink of an eye –- the money might as well be dumped into a furnace. Lord knows there's more entertainment in dancing flames than Garfield The Movie and The Cat In The Hat combined. Between that and Catwoman it's no wonder felines don't pay any attention to humans. If they could talk they'd file a species-action lawsuit for defamation of character.

Feature Presentation.
Why not put the turds that Hollywood shits out to use as world-healing fertilizer? We can't count on people who buy Ugg boots and trucker caps to spend their money wisely. Did you know that the money wasted on Halle Berry's entire film career could be used to feed starving orphans to other starving orphans for only rentals a week?

This new group of fine young cannibals would be able to provide law enforcement as well as population and disease control by weeding out the sick and elderly. Not to mention expediting body removal for those who lost their lives and maybe even for bad celebrities (the bloated corpse of Star Jones could keep Sri Lanka in meat for years).

Real People, Reel Problems.
What of the awkward product placements in those bad movies? Corporations are missing out on establishing an entirely new consumer base as well as preserving the remnants of what wasn't left floating out to sea face down.

Having been featured prominently in the latest Blade flick, Apple's IPod would be a great way to drown out the sobs of those who envy the dead and make playlist compilation for funerals a snap! Powerade alone could make a killing off people who will not only never trust water again in their lives, but need the rehydrating power when running through broken villages screaming the names of their relatives.

C'mon, Nike, you ran countless sweatshops in this region. Now you can't break off a little cash to keep these refugees in Air Jordans and jogging suits while they dodge roving gangs of rapists & slavers in the search for their loved ones? Or are you going to let all these church outreach programs convert your fanbase to Christianity? Just do it.

Only Tsunami.
However, this grassroots movement can only begin with you, America. Stop supporting bad movies. Where your money goes, the industry will follow. Send shitty cinema a message by sending your money to someone who truly needs it.

The next time you're in line for the latest Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie-grade comic/video game adaptation like Alone In The Dark or Constantine "just to see how bad it is", keep in mind there are things much worse than sitting through 90 minutes of burned-out cokeheads reacting to green-screen FX.

Instead of giving yourself an expensive headache, donate what you can to the charity of your choice. The next time a Wayans Brothers movie is released and you wonder "Who the hell keeps giving them money?!", you'll at least have the conforting certainty it wasn't you.

That doesn't mean you can spend your money on shitty music as an alternative, though. Hoobastank fans, this means you.