So bad, it's... really bad
Aren't bad summer movies at least supposed to be fun? Like this year's Troy, for example. Terrible movie. Awful. Full of excess and hammy acting, and oh so many cringe-worthy scenes involving an even-more-effeminate-than-usual Orlando Bloom and a way-past-his-prime Brad Pitt. But at least Troy was so blatantly terrible that it was fun.

Not so with this year's most disappointing summer movie to date, King Arthur. Arthur is a joyless, boring sham of a film with nary a positive thing going for it beyond the presence of the always-amazing Keira Knightley. But even Keira fans get stiffed in this disaster. I mean, whose brilliant idea was it to wait almost a full hour (or did it just feel like that long?) to even introduce her character? And then wait another hour before the lovely Guinevere dons her blue war paint and leather armor and takes to the battlefield?

In this retelling of the legend, Arthur is played by the leaden Clive Owen as a whiny half-Roman, half-British bore who goes on and on about free will and freedom about 900 years before William Wallace actually did something with the idea. Arthur's knights are a ragged band of Sarmatian warriors bound by the flailing Roman Empire to guard its British outpost for 15 years. And in this version of the story, Merlin is a mud-covered tribal leader living on the other side of Hadrian's Wall who makes gooey eyes at Arthur from the woods every once in a while but, near as I can tell, doesn't contribute anything meaningful to the film beyond a signed, sealed, and delivered deus ex machina near the end.

Disney history strikes again
The majority of the film takes place near or around Hadrian's Wall, a huge structure built by the Romans nearly 2,000 years ago to block off the savages to the north of Britain from Rome's conquered lands to the south. Now, let me tell you something. I spent two weeks hiking along the Wall last summer, which is apparently two more weeks than anyone involved in this movie spent studying the damn thing. Research much, Disney? Don't claim to tell the "real historical" version of King Arthur and then get your Anglo and Saxon history all mixed up, m'kay?

But, whatever. None of this would matter if the movie had any heart, any soul, or even any mildly feeble attempts at fun. But it's got nothing. Arthur and his knights trudge through a story that never gets off the ground, all the while muttering to themselves about the injustice of their quest. I can sympathize. The real injustice is that this crapfest weighs in at a torturous 130 minutes. Talk about self-indulgence.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this movie. And maybe rent Braveheart instead.

More of Josh Roberts: Chapter 11 Studios