I have a thing where I'm an idiot. I forget names, faces, numbers, and definitions of smart sounding words. I've tried to paint, but it always looks like someone ate Play-Doh, threw it up, then tried to correct it with white out. I've tried to write music, but it always sounds like a robot falling down stairs with his penis in a blender. Not even weird people would dig it. I hate strategic games that aren't Hungry Hungry Hippos, or Hungry Hungry Hippos-esque. Never pick me to be your charades partner unless you know one of the topics is "that midget from Fantasy Island." I'm terrible at sports, I'm terrible at video games, and I'm terrible at everything. I have low self esteem. Well actually I had it up until I saw House of the Dead.

Name Dropping and Movie Summary Aside
House of the Dead is one of those R-rated movies intended for kids. Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark? is scarier, if not just better. The only thing HotD has over NAYAotD? is that HotD exposes breasts that are more real looking than LotR battle scenes.

Fast Facts
This movie is about actors in a Canadian forest. Some of the actors have more make-up than others. They are called zombies. Some of the the actors have less shirts than others. They are called victims. Almost all of the actors remind you of The Sims.

Sega sponsored a rave in the forest. If you want to know why Sega doesn't make consoles anymore, just look at the kinds of parties they throw.

There are zombies in the movie. Not counting the zombie "extras," the star zombies were a little better than Resident Evil's, only because RE's reminded me of Michael Jackson's Thriller. And any MJT thing outside of the context of MJT is usually just plain "not as good as HotD." Like Justin Timberlake for instance.

When 28 Days Later came out my friends came up with the slogan "Zombies Don't Run!" Not only do they run in HotD, but the zombies also smile. Because these zombies know how to have fun. But like robots, they do not understand why people cry. "Zombies Still Don't Know What is Cry!"

This film does stay true to the game, in that it uses actual clips from the game. Why do they flash actual video game clips in the movie? I don't know. Maybe they are trying to give subliminal messages. Like "This is the game I'm trying to be, minus the flashing 'press start button' thing on the bottom of the screen."

There was one generic scene that I enjoyed: when the gang of actors took their weaponry and tried to make it past the herd of zombies and into an old house. It made me think that if you can accept that this is going to be a horrible movie, and if you could pretend the first hour never existed, and if you took any sort of uppers, that there is still a fighting chance you could enjoy this film. But oh, it went back to being shitty. Nevermind.

Yeah, don't watch this movie. It's so dumb it should be called House Uh Duh Dead. Ha ha, because it's so dumb!

HuDD Ha Ha

I suddenly feel better about myself. I'm going to watch it again.