Would You Like Some Fries to Go With That Foot in Your Mouth?
Ok, I'll try to remember as much as I can, but I think my brain has already burnt off a lot of those memory cells, for my own sanity.

This guy, "Kevin", came into the restaurant a couple of weeks ago to pick up a phone order. I said about three words to him, he had a nice smile, and when he left I mentioned to David, one of the cooks, that I thought he was really cute. David sort of knew him because the guy used to work at the bike shop next door to us. Later, one of the current bike guys, Kyle, popped in and I asked if he knew this guy. All he could tell me is that his name was Kevin and he used to work with him, but he didn't know anything else, because guys are useless at this stuff.

Two days later David mentions that Kevin came back the day before and was asking about me. David apparently told him that I was interested, and I think Kyle said something to him as well. That morning Kevin comes in again, introduces himself and asks when I get a break, if we can talk for a minute. So I take a little break and go back to the kids' area where there are video games. He's playing the shooting game, but not just casually. It really looks like he's aiming to kill something, with his feet all squared and arms straight out and one eye sort of squinty. At that moment I decided I would have respected him more if he'd been playing pinball or something less death-oriented, but whatever.

We proceeded to have one of the most awkward conversations ever. It had no flow, we were obviously on different wavelengths, and I quickly saw we had nothing in common. Plus, he had on a brown plaid headband that was really cheesy and it annoyed me. I think I asked something about what he did, and he said he has no job and lives at home and skateboards then asked what kind of music I like. Eh? So I named a few bands and he said, 'Well do you want to go to the Dave Matthews concert in February?' February? Who the hell plans several weeks ahead with someone they don't even know? I thought it was odd. I sort of brushed off the question and he rambled about going to see about tickets and then going to get paint because he has to paint his bedroom and something else that had nothing to do with anything, which led me to think he might be on drugs.

This is Why You Should Only Give Out Your Cell Number
Ok, so he asks for my phone number and I was tempted to just tell him I was no longer interested, but I had to get back to work and didn't have time to really discuss it, plus I thought he might be easier to talk to if he wasn't so nervous. Without even waiting a day to play it cool, he calls me that afternoon. But as soon as I said hi he had to put me on hold while he washed his feet, because he just got home from skateboarding and was all dirty. Why not just call when you're clean and ready to talk? Overeager much? He jumped right into the too much information territory, letting me know he dropped out of high school (he should have graduated a year ahead of me, but isn't in any of my yearbooks), went to a continuation school where he may or may not have gotten his GED (I wasn't real clear on that), he lives at home, doesn't know what to do with his life and has had several jobs over the last few years that he has quit for various reasons, including 'personality clashes'. I told him a little about me and he just said, 'Wow, so you went to college?' Yikes.

Again, I knew we had nothing in common, and I could tell that he was very needy. He actually said that he was really excited to have me in his life (I'm in his life already?) because he needed someone who could give him direction and all that. Suddenly, I'm not just some nice girl he met, I'm his savior. But no pressure there. He also said he didn't have many friends and therefore had lots of free time. Why would you tell someone that? The kicker was when he said he quit smoking cigarettes a few months ago. I said, well that's admirable, and then he said he decided to quit smoking pot too. "It's not like I'm against it, I just can't afford it anymore." Ha! An unemployed loser who can't even afford to be a pothead! I really attract the cream of the crop.

Ok, so he wanted to go out right then, that night, but I had plans. He calls the next day, which was a Saturday, around 4:00 to ask about going out and I said ok, even though I was exhausted from working that morning. He says he can't think of anything to do and will call me back later, after he eats dinner. I took that to mean he wasn't taking me out to dinner. Excellent. He calls an hour later to cancel because he's tired from a bike ride he went on, and because I think he had no idea where to take me. He did manage to ask if I had started Christmas shopping for him though, because in his mind I think we were already engaged.

Dude, Where's My Dinner?
Sunday he called around 11:00am and asked if I wanted to do something. I say ok, just to get it over with. He again can't think of anything to do. Now honestly, what girl is going to be impressed with an unemployed high school dropout/burnout who can't even pick out a restaurant for lunch? I tell him I have things to do and that I'll call him around 5:00 to see if he wants to get dinner, and that I will pick the place out.

At 4:20 my phone rings and it's him. I say, "Hi, what's up?" He says, "That's what I'm wondering. I mean, I thought you'd want to go out with me eventually." As if I was the one putting him off, instead of him being the one to cancel twice due to a lack of imagination and planning. I said, fine, let's go bowling, I'll meet you there. He offers to get a lane if he gets there first and asks my shoe size. I couldn't remember what size bowling shoe I usually get and just said I would get it when I arrived. He said, "I'm going to know your shoe size eventually, so you may as well tell me now." Ew. Stalker.

I go to the bowling alley and he's out front, stuffing a Burger King bag in the garbage. In his other hand he has what looks to be a disposable camera that he unwraps, which makes me wonder if he actually went out and bought it just for this, to capture these special early moments of what is sure to be a serious long-term relationship that will lead to several kids, a flea-infested dog and a trailer park, located near a skate park. And yes, I think that was the idea.

I greet him, without a hug or even a handshake, and he reeks of onion. He must have had a Whopper. He also just has a funky odor about him, so I think he was skateboarding beforehand and didn't bother to shower. Who doesn't clean up for a date? That has to be one of the top five identifying factors of poor white trash, along with the brown bandana, affinity for shooting games, large tacky tattoos (we'll get to that later) and smelly feet.

God Says We Should Just Be Friends
We go in to bowl and he briefly puts his hand on my back so that I must have jumped a foot in the air. We bowl two games, saying very little as we have nothing to talk about, and I try to avoid eye contact. Oh, and I kicked his ass both games :) Finally we head out and as we're leaving he says, "Hey, how about a picture of us?" Oh dear God, he really meant that as if there was already an "us" to take photos of. I said I wasn't really up for photos, and he tried to talk me into it, but I didn't want him carrying me around in his wallet to show all his friends, so I said maybe next time. Creepy.

We decide to go to this Thai place for dinner and I get to drive, so now my car is going to smell funky. On the way there I said something about some movie or TV show, and he was like "Yeah... because I'd really like for you to be my girl." What the hell? First, it had nothing to do with what I said, so he was obviously thinking it all night and just wanted to say it no matter what. The amount of preplanning he'd done in his head was way too obvious. Plus, 'be his girl'? Who says that? Am I going to get his letterman jacket? Is he going to pin me and take me to the sock hop then out for a malt? Sheesh.

I calmly said, "Yes, well, here's the thing. I should have mentioned this earlier, but I didn't realize you had assumed this was a date, and I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now." And then we spent half an hour having that conversation about the status of our relationship that most people have after weeks of dating, but we had it after hanging out for an hour. I told him I was leaving town soon and yadda yadda yadda, whatever excuse I could think of, and he told me how he can't trust a lot of people in his life and his dad and brother are dead and he found his uncle's body in his house one day and his best friend was just murdered and another friend is in jail and he knows that if we were together, he could trust me when I went away, even if it was for a long time, because I wouldn't cheat (yeah, right) and he was really excited when the guys at the restaurant said I was interested in dating him and dear God it just went on forever.

I clarified by saying that although I did comment he was cute, I didn't actually say that I wanted to date him. And I pointed out that I often say someone is attractive, not expecting anything to ever come of it. And then he said that if I didn't want to date him then we shouldn't hang out because he was attracted to me and wanted to touch and kiss me and it would be too hard to just be friends. Ew.

Please, Just Make it End. Quickly.
We still had dinner, although a quiet one, where I would say, "So did you see the Simpsons this week?" and he would say, "If you got pregnant right now, what would you do? Would you have the baby?" which I think is one of his girlfriend interview questions. We somehow got back on the subject of us not dating and, in what I think was an attempt to put me at ease, he said, "It's ok if you're not interested, I mean, I'm not going to come to your house and slash your tires or anything," which I of course took to mean that he was totally going to slash my tires. To make matters worse, just moments before he'd asked to see my driver's license ("just to check out the photo"), but I'm pretty sure he was memorizing my address. So far though I am slash-free. Knock on wood.. which I'm pretty sure he also had.

Next he showed me his tattoos which were all sort of sloppy looking things that were probably popular in Alabama in the 1970's: a lion, a very large Jerry Garcia on half his back, the comedy and tragedy masks, although more drugged out looking, and a life/death gangland graffiti thing on his arm. He plans for the next one to be a large butterfly covering his entire chest and stomach, "because someday I'm going to fly away." I think he was trying to sound spiritual, but it was just pitiful.

I drove him back to his car, no hug no kiss, didn't even turn my motor off. I just said see ya around and he said I should call him, and I think he was actually assuming I would. Luckily, a full week and a half have gone by and he hasn't called or showed up at my restaurant, so I think he got the hint. I almost feel bad for him, just because he came on so strong that it was pretty obvious he's really hungry to have a girl in his life. If I knew any candidates, I would send them his way. He was a nice-ish guy, just strange and not too bright, and highly unmotivated and not very cultured and smelly. But otherwise, a great catch.