An Oldie, But a Funny
As previously published on budgetoz.com, August 2002

My main duty at work, as a lowly civil servant for Sydney's State Rail system, is to sort out the dozens of complaints and excuses we get from people who have received fines while riding the rails. Most of the people who write in are liars, as the full-timers will tell you. They are probably people just like you and me, who would never think of themselves as criminals, but they'll do and say anything to get out of paying the $100.

Unfortunately, most of these people talk themselves into a corner and often hang themselves with their own rope. Like the woman who said that someone else must have used her name, because she would never have ridden without a ticket, and she sent a photocopy of her driver's license as proof. She must have forgotten that she also gave her license to the officer who handed out the fine, because the ID number and signature matched perfectly.

Spelling Does Too Count
Reading dozens of these letters a day makes it apparent just how many stupid people there are in the world. I can forgive those who say, "your" out of line to hand out fines. I can even overlook the ones who say that they were simply on their way "too" school and didn't have time "too" get a ticket. But the people who complain about the "rood" station guards and the "undisrespectible" treatment they receive really start to piss me off.

Next on my list are the people who write a letter by hand, then scrawl some kind of signature at the bottom, without printing their name, address, or fine number anywhere. Did they miss Letter Writing 101 in the third grade? How do they think anyone will figure out who they are or what they want? Grrr.

Other letters are silly. A teenager will write in and say, "I jumped the gate on a dare from my friends because I'm an idiot. I admit I'm an idiot. Can you please waive the fine if I promise never to do it again? Or can you fine my friends for pressuring me into it?"

Love Will Light the Way!
The office favorite at the moment is a woman who seems positive that once we realise how in love she was on the day she was fined, we'll be happy to do a little dance and forget the whole thing. An excerpt:

"As I boarded the train, enraptured with thoughts of the new man in my life, I realized that I had dropped my ticket on the platform, and did not have it to present to the inspector. It was a simple error that occurred because my mind was full of thoughts of the man who was still asleep in my bed. But doesn't everyone have days like this? And isn't finding love what's really important?"

Yes. Someone actually wrote that and sent it in expecting to be let off. As it was, the guys in the office did their best to try and think of a reason to give her more fines.

A True Australian Bobby Dazzler (That means it's a doozy!)
I also enjoy the indignant ones. How dare we give this person a fine! Just because they didn't pay! It only happened once! They are honest and good! It's unthinkable that they received a fine as though they are the dregs of society! Here are some more wordy thoughts from the Lord and Master of Indignant Patrons Everywhere, and please note that the grammar and punctuation here are all his:

"I am victimized of subject to a false accusation by an aggravated assault and attack deliberately by your Inspector and as well as I am badly injured by him for what unexpectedly I am suffering a significant damage. Moral responsibility of this Inspector has been dangerously collapsed, and a nasty "Psychological game" is played in the name of Ugly Racial Power to provide me with fair service by making me to pay the high cost for our lives with an unnecessary and unlawful penalty!

In my best believe and knowledge and I trust that your Inspector has directly been engaged in conduct that has intimidated my lawful right(s) in relation to this allegation in which you will find something very suspicious that has caused me a lot for nothing with no reason(s)."

Wait... it gets better.

"This is our hope. With this hope and faith we will be able to hew out of the dreary desert and mountain of despair a stone hope. With this hope and faith and sincere promise we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our Nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. We do not have any room in our peaceful society for any ugly misconduct and wilful breach of common law with unlawful threatening by imposing penalty with a subject of false accusation. We hold this truth that is to be a self-evident that we are all equal. This is the faith, which I return to you and with this faith we will be able to work together, pray together, to struggle together, to stand up for freedom together knowing that we all are equal.

And there is something that I must say to you that we stand on the worm threshold, which leads into the place of true justice. Therefore could you please exempt me from this fine."

And on the official report, where it says what reason the person gave the officer for not having a ticket, the officer has quoted him saying:

"I left it at home."