As a devout Trekkie, I feel it is my solemn duty to inform you, my avid public, of a disturbing trend developing outside of the sci-fi community. I have noticed over the years that more and more people are casually grouping Star Trek and Star Wars in the same sentence. Non-believers worldwide seem to be under the mistaken impression that both these cultural icons have equal merit and I for one cannot silence my outrage.

While I understand that a wave of Jedi-wannabe-ism that swept the world twenty-odd years ago, and that Harrison Ford's then-youthful good looks and Chewbacca's large size (proportionate?) still draw fan girls, I fail to see how the original trilogy can possibly measure up to Star Trek. To four completed series of consistent and believable drama, not to mention fairly good acting and way-cool aliens. I have thus compiled a list sure to convince all but the most Luke-obsessed fans of the clear superiority of Star Trek.

1. The Canon:
No, not the big gun from Pirates of the Caribbean. The Canon is the set parameters of the universe within which the main and all secondary plots occur. Translated from geekspeak, the Canon is pretty much the basis for the story. It consists of the technology, history, government, aliens, laws of physics, and social structures found in the story. LucasFilms' official canon consists of (drumroll please) the movies, the scripts and novelizations of the movies, and the Star Wars radio plays broadcast on National Public Radio. Wow. When you boil that down, it comes to five whole movies (soon to be six) and some geeks on NPR. And then, due to the pathetic length of the aforementioned list, they were also forced to count not only the book versions of the movies, but also their *scripts.*

Thankfully, the Trekkieverse offers a bit more to go on. In their official Star Trek Canon policy, Paramount Pictures includes four complete series (and a fifth currently in progress), the films (all ten of them), and the Star Trek novels of Jeri Taylor. To state the mildly obvious, not only does Star Trek have twice as many movies as Star Wars, it has as many fully developed *series* as Star Wars has B-rate movies. No wait, I take that back; the last two weren't deserving of the rank of B-rate and I apologize to both the original trilogy and especially to the five innocent series for implying they were anywhere near on par with the "new trilogy."

But even when I stand back and try to look at this objectively, I'm still drawn to the same conclusion: Star Trek and its hefty load of Canon scripture would crush the pitifully inept Star Wars like a heavily laden semi atop a three-foot pyramid of paper towel tubes.

2. The Aliens:
Over the years, Star Trek aliens have repeatedly come under fire for, as one Star Wars fan put it, "only having humanoid aliens . . . One only has to look at a brief shot of the Senate meeting to see aliens stranger, more diverse, and with many more limbs than any who have been on Star Trek."

Most of that is true, but critics such as this one are comparing to entirely different entities. Star Wars was originally a widely publicized trilogy with a ridiculously high budget for special effects, while Kirk captained a low-budget TV series. So yes, Vulcans and Klingons and other mainstays of the Original Series are extremely humanoid, and have remained thus over the course of the years. And, as the budgets for later shows increased, so did the make-up of the aliens. Of course, more important than make-up, each species has its own identifiable culture, language and history, all so thoroughly developed that it could stand on its own, even outside of the Star Trek universe. Amazon.com offers books on Vulcan history and psychology, Ferengi business practices (the Rules of Acquisition) and customs (such as not allowing females to wear clothes), a history of Andorian clan warfare, a Klingon translation of Hamlet, and even Klingon conversational language tapes.

So let me be blunt. Star Wars aliens have no substance to speak of. They are flat, CGI-based holograms. The ideas for their creation seem to have stemmed from George Lucas taking an acid trip. The end.

3. The Villains:
Villains are, ironically, a necessary evil. Without a proper villain, we will never know the true extent of the hero's strength, bravery, and ingenuity. And what do you know, at the end of Star Wars, we're still wondering.

Let me lay this out: in George Lucas' corner, we have the "Dark Side," with its ever impressive and creatively original name, sure to strike fear and awe into the hearts of any who hear it spoken. These highly-esteemed bad guys consist of one Darth Vader who, in a suspiciously soap-opera-like twist, reveals himself to be the father of the hero. Despite having awesome and supposedly unbeatable powers, his only occupations as prominent bad guy seem to be looking intimidating and killing the occasional annoyance to his master, the head of the Senate. (On a side note, this has sparked some debate between non-Star Wars fans as to whether or not the "Dark Side" is truly the villain, as it *was* the regime in power, therefore representing the majority of the known universe. Adding to such speculation is the fact that "good" Jedi are forbidden from love, lust, strong drink, partying, having happy families to make more little Jedis and generally doing anything modern-day Americans commonly hold to be worth living for. Strangely enough, they *are* allowed to "borrow" anything, search any place and arrest, maim, or kill anyone at any time.) The "Dark Side" also possesses an unending clone army, and the infamous Death Star. This moon-sized space station was a weapon of unsurpassed power, able to destroy entire planets with a large, laser-like beam. Unfortunately for the "Dark Side," the dashing, young Luke Skywalker was able to off it with a single hit. And, despite their endless resources, it was never properly revised or fully rebuilt.

While Star Trek has had a bevy of enemies throughout the galaxy, the Borg would be the most similar to those presented in Star Trek. Consisting of trillions of half-machine cyborgs called drones, all controlled by several Borg Queens, they possess the total knowledge - cultural, linguistic and technological - of thousands of species. They assimilate world after world, turning entire races into drones. They are technologically superior to the Federation in every way, even possessing the seldom-used capacity for time travel and the ability to enter the little-known dimension of fluidic space.

Rather than a magical Achilles heel that can vanquish them all in one blow, they have a series of weaknesses that can be exploited only through great cunning and risk. You see, the Borg are obsessed with technological perfection and the strength of the Collective. Their defeats usually stem from their contempt for the original organic components and individual drones. They have no defense whatsoever against biological weapons or infiltration by single agents, and limited defense in hand-to-hand combat.

The Borg have never truly been beaten, however, and it's commonly acknowledged throughout the Star Trek universe that unless a miracle pops up out of the blue, they will eventually overcome all other forms of life, making them worthy adversaries and truly deserving of the name villain.

4. Captains:
Onto lighter subjects, such as comparing the wisdom, competency, and all-around good-captainship of the commanding officers in both universes.

On one hand struts the devil-may-care Han Solo, whose only true job is to play the part of the handsome bad boy, and his first mate (for lack of other crew members) Chewbacca, designed to make Han look even better. What a pair!

On the other hand stand the formidable ranks of Captains Pike, Kirk, Picard, Sisko, Janeway and Archer. All have born their responsibilities with astounding strength and capability, as well as human emotions and occasional failures. No to mention that Commander Riker and Lieutenant Worf could out-do Han Solo in the sex appeal department any day.

5. The Name:
Finally we come to the crux of the matter. When all is said and done, this debate is solely the property of the fans, and should be named as such.

This should really be called the Trekkies vs. the . . . . Drawing a blank?

Therein lies the ultimate point, delicately jabbing Star Wars fans everywhere in a particularly sensitive area: the knowledge that they, as an extremely prominent cult, have no name. Any attempt to cash in on the wild success of the Trekkies gives them "Warsies," hardly an inspiring cult. If they follow in the footsteps of Tolkers, they wind up with "Warsers." Even the women of this fan club can't mime James Bond's groupies, or they would wind up as "Warsgirls," which sounds more some sort of slang for a courtesan.

All in all, this is the final trump for the Trekkies. Their opponents lack even a sufficiently cult-ish name. After all, there is no nifty appellation to be gained from "Star Wars," thus dooming fans everywhere from the start.

Then again, considering the pitiful lack of canon material, the "not-even-deep-enough-to-drown-a-worm" shallowness of the aliens, the (cough) villains, the stereotypically stupid rogue captain, and sheer inanity of the naming system present throughout Star Wars, (again bringing to mind the "Dark Side" and the endless hours of thought which undoubtedly went into the christening of the "Senate") perhaps "Warsies" is more apt a name than it seems.