There are two reasons I'm not seeing the remake of The Stepford Wives. The first is petty; the second is as close to principled as an aged lemur gets. Pettiness first: Nicole Kidman is dead to me. I saw her in Yankee Stadium last fall during the League Championship Series, rooting for the home team. My broken heart (and also my broken heart) prevents me from seeing any more of her movies. The second reason is that the first movie was probably a little too good to need a remake anyway. It might be argued that its ideas could look interestingly different in an updated context, but the trailer doesn't exactly inspire me with confidence that the necessary effort has been made to do that. Excuse me, someone's at the door.

Silly me! What I meant to say is that EVERYBODY wins with a remake. The older movie gets reintroduced to younger moviegoers, and the new movie has a lot of good stuff already in place without all that nasty fuss about being creative. In fact, I can think of some other movies that could really use updating. I hope any bored, greedy whirr click I mean bold, visionary producers happening to read this would take it upon their bold, visionary selves to make these projects happen. I mean, I would do it, but I'm just a big sillyhead. Tee hee!

The Birds (1963)
Why it needs to be remade: Hitchcock was a genius, of course, but he didn't have the advantage of CGI technology, now did he? The special effects could definitely be spruced up. Plus, the ending's just confusing, and when it's not confusing it's such a downer. Why are those birds so darn mean?

How it should be remade: The actors for this kind of project are usually auxiliary at best. What you really need a director who is proficient in CGI, and can eliminate the subtleties whirr click I mean confusing spots in the original script. My suggestion would be Michael Bay. Good direction can only go so far, though; the story needs more explaining. It seems pretty obvious that this time around, the birds will have to talk. As it's customary to have a bridge between the original and a remake, wouldn't it make sense for Melanie Griffith (daughter of original star Tippi Hedren) be the voice of the lead bird? My ears are bleeding with dread just thinking about it. Now, about that ending... I know, I know, just scatter tons of rice all over San Francisco. Millions of evil CGI birds exploding will be the most uplifting, popcorn-sellingest finale ever.

Clerks (1994)
Why it needs to be remade: We can't have a bunch of nobodies showing up the industry. If it were a little less filthy, it could get a much wider release throughout the malls of America than the original did.

How it should be remade: First, get a script doctor to clean up the original's gutter mouth. The Disney guys who've watered Eddie Murphy down to family-friendly schtick should serve the purpose. Then recast it in such a way that it appeals to all of America's teens, not just the disaffected who probably can't afford ticket prices anyway. Fortunately the recent American Idol phenomenon offers us a ready-made talent pool: Ryan Seacrest as Dante, with Clay and Ruben as Jay and Silent Bob. Jimmy Fallon's probably available to play Randall, too.

Say Anything (1989)
Why it needs to be remade: We've had far too many original romantic comedies for teens lately. It's old enough that a whole new generation of its target demographic won't have seen the first version.

How it should be remade: As with Clerks, casting will be crucial. Which of today's hot young male leads can blend the sensitivity and sexiness of John Cusack? Hmmm, now that I think about it, it's good to be sensitive and sexy, but you better make sure of sexy first. So let's go with Vin Diesel. Which of today's hot young actresses can blend the intelligence and sexiness of Ione Skye? Hmmm, now that I think about it, it's good to be smart and sexy, but you better make sure of sexy first. So let's go with Britney Spears. She could even cover that timid old Peter Gabriel song on the soundtrack, maybe turn it into something with a danceable beat. Synergy: the key to satisfying filmmaking.

Sleepwalkers (1992)
Why it needs to be remade: Stephen King movies are usually so good. This one has all the pieces in place; a tweak here and there, and it could be a masterpiece, on par with The Shawshank Redemption or even (dare to dream) Thinner.

How it should be remade: Look at this summer's major releases: Garfield, Two Brothers, Catwoman, even Puss in Boots in Shrek 2. The obvious conclusion to draw is that America loves its felines, and Sleepwalkers has one of the most grossly underutilized felines in the history of cinema. I refer, of course, to Clovis the Wonder Cat. The remake should be told entirely from his point of view. Call it Clovis-cam, and shoot it in black and white. It'll be like The Blair Witch Project meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Maybe, for good measure, everyone should speak in Aramaic, with subtitles translating the dialogue into cat-speak.

Four guaranteed blockbusters that practically make themselves. Remember me on Oscar night!