Get out your Jellies... Wait a minute
Alas, the day we've dreaded since 1995 has arrived: the 1980s are back. I guess we've recovered from some of the fashion mishaps of that time (parachute pants, slouch socks, puff paint, banana clips, white leather, blue eye shadow, and stir-up pants come to mind). Apparently, fashion designers think we're ready to do it all over.

In case you haven't noticed or don't visit shopping centers, the 80s style is alive again. That means any dork with a credit card and no style could really wreak havoc on society this year with a trip to the mall. So BE CAREFUL amateur dressers-the 80s are not for the fashion weak. But, stop shuddering with thoughts of "Button Your Fly" t-shirts, acid wash jeans and the Michael Jackson glove, you might be surprised that some items aren't so bad the second time around.

Here's what's great about the return of 1980s fashion this spring:

• Forgiving styles. Not forgiving in the sense that you won't regret wearing the clothes, but forgiving for all figures. In the 80s, few had six pacs (think Belinda Carlisle: Did you know she posed naked in the August 2001 issue of Playboy and September German Playboy?) and ultra-low rise pants didn't exist (Britney Spears was actually a virgin then). Heck-even Madonna was like a virgin and wasn't ripped then. Anyhow, the 80s clothes were about a good time, not really looking good, but feeling good and having sex which leads to #2.

• Shoulders and back are the real sexy body parts. If anything we should be thankful that with the return of the 1980s, it is OK to show our shoulders and back-giving our bellies some sun shield. Forget your belly piercing which is so 1990s anyways. With any luck the 80s half shirt, predominantly worn by men, won't make a comeback. BUT the shirts worn just slightly off the shoulder or plunging in the back are the real sex bomb. Get one.

• Speaking of sex, indulge in a pair of pumps, shoes that is. Throw out your platform shoes and get a pair of pointy-toed, stiletto pumps. They're really what you call a f**k me shoe. There are so many varieties out this season that you really can't get away with any excuse for not getting some especially with these shoes.

• Color. Isn't it nice to see some color again? Even the Gap is producing clothes with color this season. The best return of color is green-I've missed green especially Celtics green (Side note: It's really too bad the Celtics can't actually return to the 1980s when they use to win).

• Jersey material clothes. This season you can see jersey skirts, dresses and shirts. All I can say is thank God the cotton/polyester/rayon blend gets a break-that stuff is cheap and for prostitutes. Do me a favor and throw out all of your clothes made of this blend, especially the floral and paisley print. Thank you.

• Punk and new wave looks. Who isn't dying to rock the Flock of Seagulls hair or just wear some safety pins on their clothes and look like a big poser? Plus, fishnet stockings and florescent colors will make you look like a rock star. Well, probably not for the people reading this.

• The 80s rock t-shirt. As if you're completely clueless and don't realize that rock music is going to totally return and kick everyone in the ass again (more on this in the future), it's at least time to pull out your vintage 80s' rocker shirts. I cringe now when I think of the day I tossed my Motley Crue Theatre of Pain muscle-t that I swiped from my brother's room. That shirt was pissah! (Resist the urge to buy mass-produced t's from stores like Filenes--that's not cool.)

• Sneakers. The 80s featured a whole slew of stylin', colorful sneakers. This is all about classic Pumas, Converse All-Stars, Kangaroos and Asics. Hard-core people will indulge in the checkered Vans, ala "Jeff Spicoli" of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. If you don't know who Spicoli is, then you are too young to read this article.

• Acid wash jeans or ripped jeans.

• Spandex. Enough said.

• Curled bangs. Much to some people's demise, this look will probably never make a comeback. Mark my words.

• Legwarmers. They just don't look good unless you're a dancer or model and even then they look a little silly.

• Jelly shoes. They're everywhere and cheap but heed my advice: there is nothing attractive about encasing your feet in heavy plastic. I have two words: sweaty feet. Wearing jelly shoes is comparable to wrapping your feet in a shower curtain except you get blisters and athlete's foot as a result.

• Don't attempt the Miami Vice look. Just don't... please?

• Tunic with a belt. This is a tough look to pull off and it's just too 1980s. The key to any look is not overdoing it and you don't want to look like you've just walked out of 1985 (even though I know some of you sci-fi fans would like to tell your friends that). You want to look like you've arrived in 2004 with just a smidgen of retro 80s in tow. So geeks, go forth with your credit cards!