MakeOut Club
One of the many gems my wise gay uncle's shared with me is a philosophy called the Theo Theory: regardless of sexual preference, relationship, or societal outlook; everybody has a personal list of partners that they'd do anything to do.

So last month I was surprised to see that resident sexpert and professional poon-owner Dee Perry of Complex Magazine (if you've read it, you know it's anything but) created a Top Ten of Women Other Women Would Sleep With.

10. Britney Spears
9. Jennifer Lopez
8. Halle Berry
7. Salma Hayek
6. Cameron Diaz
5. Catherine Zeta-Jones
4. Beyonce
3. Lucy Liu
2. Uma Thurman
1. Angelina Jolie

Sapphorrific

Does anyone really want Billy Bob Thornton's leftovers?

Now, I heartily endorse the fact that the only accessory a creature of such infinite beauty as Salma Hayek needs is another woman (bless you, Frida). Yet as much as the basic concept appeals to me, what room of monkeys on typewriters at Entertainment Weekly was polled for this thing?

As a nerd I'm certainly not an authority on sex -- lesbian or otherwise -- but the majority of this list reads like a Maxim writer using a pen name for picking up some extra cash to slip the photographer of whatever photo shoot Carmen Electra's spreading her legs and lifting her rear for this month.

And if a man was hired to pretend to be a woman and give this obviously skewed vote from all 49 states (Sorry, Tennessee!), at least hire a bisexual transvestite -- they dress better; plus their vote counts double.

Diss The Girls

Now look at the list and try to tell me it's accurate. Without laughing.

Seriously, the only thing funnier than this on the newsstands was a cover story promoting with the tagline "Not Your Mother's Lesbians". Goddamnit, they knew about my mom's lesbians before I did? She ain't gettin' jack for Mother's Day but a very angry phone call. And here I thought a family was supposed to share.

Tangent aside, [CHEAP SHOT]these results smell fishier than Britney[/CHEAP SHOT]. Jenny From The Block was probably selected during a trailer for Jersey Girl when some woman said, "Fuck J-Lo!" to a chorus of agreement. After all, the last time she played a lesbian, Gigli was made. Shouldn't t.A.T.U. be somewhere on the list as long as they're listing fake lesbians?

Easier than a two-piece jigsaw puzzle, and about half as fun.

Come on; Cameron Diaz? Halle Berry?! The only woman coming within range of her when she's nude is her gynocologist's nurse; who mentally re-evaluates her paycheck every time she pulls on her gloves at the memory of her patient's vaginability to hiss and projectile spit a blinding corrosive acid by flexing the cold, steely, reptilian walls of her ladycave.

Hey Ladies
So to increase my vaginknowledge, I'm wondering: Who the fuck would an unattached straight girl fuck in a hostage situation like "IF YOU DROP UNDER 69 ORGASMS PER HOUR, THE PUPPY GOES IN THE BLENDER!"? Not that it's any of my business, but I'm (bi)curious and the only females I can talk to make me pay by the hour. After all, if someone compiled names of men that other men wanted to wangbang, I'd cry "No Fellation Without Representation!" if Johnny Depp wasn't in the top 5 --

-- but I've said too much already. At any rate, if you have a pair of ovaries (must be inside your own body to participate), please let yourself be heard! Fill out the NewPollYeah (below) or send your own write-in to johnathan@newmoanyeah.com. Final results will be tabulated and posted at month's end.