Mesothelioma, Asbestos Lawsuits, and Scam Artists
as answered by Stephen Lin, Jo Glingel, Joel Why?, & Manolo Moreno
October 18, 2004
 [REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah,
I'm fat, lazy, and unemployed and I'm looking for an easy way to get rich. I read that people who were exposed to asbestos and suffer from malignant mesothelioma are entitled to MILLIONS through lawsuits. My questions is, can I somehow fake mesothelioma so I can retire early?
Sincerely,
FatLazyUnemployedBastard
| Editor-in-Chief Stephen Lin |
Somewhat Irish Staff Writer Jo Glingel |
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Ah yes... Malignant mesothelioma, infamous not only for the disease itself and for the lawsuits that result from asbestos exposure but also for the lawyers who purchase "mesothelioma" as a keyword in Overture's ad network for $100 per click because the lawsuits generate millions!
Dude, it's lung cancer. I don't think mesothelioma is fakeable like a cough or an orgasm. On the other hand, if you do manage to acquire mesothelioma and can land an asbestos lawsuit, at least your family will be set for the rest of their lives... AND they'll be rid of your fat lazy unemployed ass. It's a win-win situation!
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If you can pull it off, go for it. I think the trickiest part would be getting a medical professional to tell a judge that you're suffering from this illness and to write up some outrageously expensive hospital bills for you to argue that you need money. Just try going to a doctor's office: choke and hock a lot, and see if he's stupid enough to buy it and diagnose you. If not, then cut the act and tell him straight up what's going on and offer him a percentage. Remember to start low so that the two of you can haggle to something reasonable. And then don't forget to send a percentage to me, or I'll turn both of you fraudulent conmen in! Good luck with retirement and godspeed to that check!
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| Curious Editor Joel Why |
A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer Manolo Moreno |
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Yes, absolutely. But, it is critical that you show a clear link between the asbestos and your illness. Therefore, I recommend you begin eating mass quantities of asbestos.
Come on fatty, time's a wastin'. I'm guessing about one pound of asbestos for every three pounds that you weigh should do. If you're running low, pretty much any inner-city school will be happy to provide you with ample quantities. Bon appetite!
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The reason they are million dollar lawsuits is because it takes hard work to fake cancer. Look at Lance Armstrong--he faked cancer and has to save face by winning bike competitions. Oh, what a true fighter he is! Yeah, right. More like: Damn, that's one committed actor. Remember: although asbestos leads to cancer, fake cancer leads to spandex shorts.
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