Meat, the official food group of Newmoanyeah
There's nothing I like more than a good burger (except perhaps for the film Good Burger, but you can't eat movies). So it was with no small measure of excitement, then, that I entered a little restaurant last weekend called Eagle's Deli. Hanging high and proud above the door, like its majestic namesake soaring through the heavens, was a banner proclaiming Eagle's Deli "the second best place to pig out in the USA." If that weren't enough, all the employees inside wore shirts asserting that Eagle's Deli was, in fact, the second best place to pig out in the world. The source for both of these conflicting superlatives was the Travel Channel. I'm not sure where the confusion came in, but anyone who's ever watched the Travel Channel knows how crazy those guys are. They really get carried away.

Eagle's, located in Cleveland Circle, is named for the Boston College mascot, but don't hold that against it. Very few BC students were there when I went, as they were all in line for a nearby bar at two in the afternoon. It was game day, after all. But be wary: Editor Steve passes along apocryphal tales of brawls in the area before, during and after BC games [Actually, I think just after. - Editor Steve], so you might want to wear a helmet when Notre Dame's in town. Any other day, you should have no problem getting right in and ordering some truly greasy cuisine.

Go for the burger.
The menu can be pretty overwhelming at first. Any meat you can think of that might taste good slapped between a couple slices of bread is available. There was roast beef, turkey, pastrami, other things… No ostrich, as far as I could see, but that's about all they left out. If you find yourself unable to choose, then take my advice: go for the burger.

Of course, to say Eagle's has a burger is like saying the Louvre has a painting. You're only barely scratching the surface of the wonders that await you inside. They offer a wide variety of cheeseburgers, although not in the usual, TGI Friday's sense. The basic makeup of each burger is the same: beef and cheese. What Eagle's offers, and what really sets this place apart, is size. I got the King Kong burger - a half pound patty and two slices of cheese. This was the second smallest burger they offered.

Oh, no! Godzirra, Godzirra!!!
You can try ordering the Godzilla burger, which is a pound of meat and an ungodly amount of cheese. Even attempting to eat it gets your picture on the wall in their menagerie of Yeah Dudes. The really frightening thing is: that's not their biggest burger. Consider the Adam Reilly burger, which contains three pounds of meat and a dozen slices of cheese.

The biggest burger at Eagle's Deli is called the Chillerama, and I wish I could tell you why. The Chillerama is a burger with five pounds of meat, twenty slices of cheese, and eighteen strips of bacon. I wondered if we were talking about an actual five pound patty the size of a steering wheel or, say, a stack of five one pound burgers. I never found out, because no one ordered one while I was there. It costs fifty dollars, but if you finish it within an hour, it's free. Local lore holds that only two men ever have.

As I said, I got the King Kong burger, but given how low it ranks on the Eagle's food chain, I felt more like I was ordering the Donkey Kong Jr. burger.* Only at Eagle's Deli can you get enough food for a family of wolves and still feel like a pussy. They offer a sensible combo option, also, to add a drink and fries. Unlike McDonald's, they don't measure their fries by size. Eagle's is more devoted to pigging out than that. They measure their fries in poundage. You can get the King Kong burger, a medium drink, and three-quarters of a pound of a fries for just over seven dollars. Try finding a value like that anywhere else.

Damn good, damn it.
It's worth mentioning, amid all this snickering at Eagle's excess, that the food is actually damn good. They make it to order right in front of you, so you can be reasonably certain that some pimply, sullen teen has not deposited any bodily fluids in the mayonnaise. You can specify which toppings you want and which you don't. Maybe you've been to Burger King and attempted to get it your way, only to find that Burger King employees embrace their corporate slogan with all the vigor of Rock Hudson kissing Doris Day. At Eagle's Deli, god damn it, you can .

Sure, the place isn't clean, and sure, the clientele could charitably be called "interesting," but you don't go to the second best place to pig out in the USA, or possibly the world, if you're looking for class. You go there if you're looking to vomit in an alley off Sutherland Road five to ten minutes after you finish eating. Eagle's Deli delivers, and the only question I have left is what could possibly be a better place to pig out.

The first chimp in space was named "Ham." To say I felt like I was ordering the "Ham burger" would have been unbelievably hilarious to me, but I'd be the only person who got it.