Tone Death
As much as the spread of the MTVirus has tried to blur the border between worlds of media, the dividing line between music and movies is one which should be enforced. Why is there such a turnover rate between these pop culture countries when there's no shortage of singers who can't sing and actors that can't act?

Isn't there some pseudo-Ellis Island run by Roger Ebert and Simon Cowell where musicians & thespians must apply for creative citizenship? At least if there were, Celine Dion would've been long since deported for being an illegal fruit. She's far from being the only culprit, though - almost every musician that attempts something beyond the soundtrack should get a laugh track.

Can't The Rock Stop?

Gesundheit.

Thanks to Mariah Carey, everyone knows all that's Glitter is certainly not gold; and from the critical consensus it sounds as though most people had wished someone had kept Bob Dylan Masked and Anonymous, instead of trading songwriting for screenwriting. Lord knows Ja Rule needs another movie role like Will Smith needs to release another CD.

The only triple threat emanating from screen songstresses like J.Lo and Madonna is the possibility they'll release a movie, a book and an album in the same year. And there's No Limit of rappers trying to swap strobe lights for the limelight that to list all their stage names would crash a spellchecker.

Yet regardless of the fact that music makes the people come together, even the bourgoisie would rebel against A Walk To Remember along Crossroads just to be left Half Past Dead with Exit Wounds. Perhaps a Most Unwanted list should be compiled of sonic terrorists like Mandy Moore and Limp Bizkit frontman-slash-wannabe director-slash-wrists-slash-throat Fred Durst, to be shot on sight before they could get in front of a camera or behind a microphone. The adage by Radiohead is only half of the truth - anyone can play guitar, but not anyone can do it well.

Rock 'n' Rule
Ignoring the multitudes of crooks trying to change up from sound booths to sound stages in the previous convoluted, bloated metaphor, there are outlaws: Tenacious D-linquents Cool As Ice (T & Cube) that embrace the absurdity of their celebrity to the benefit of their image. In their rare cases, screen lines and song lyrics harmonize, and so a diplomatic immunity of sorts is bestowed upon the union that would allow those with it to travel beyond borders. And while CDs and DVDs should be kept separately, it's hard to keep such an opinion with a heartening rebuttal like Wild Zero.

When thinking of Japan's music scene, the limited cultural knowledge of most will conjure up a samurai film score or sugary sweet J-Pop: comparable to guessing most Americans that don't listen to John Willams' compositions are groovin' to chordless phonies like Hilary Duff. Outside this galaxy of mediocrity exists a sonic star system as varied as anywhere else, and few shine as brightly or as oddly as Guitar Wolf. Both the name of the band and the lead singer himself, Guitar Wolf (with Drum and Bass Wolf on their own respective instruments),is an actual band of three little Fonzies who act and play as though the rock 'n' roll of the 60's were forged in 80's metal. To them, rock is their primary language, their secondary being Engrish. One look at the cover shows that the " Great Psycho of Them All Rock 'n' Roll JET movie" promises "Brutality of Screen", "Trash and Chaossss!!!!", and most importantly, "Thrill, speed, and Stupid Zombies..."

Tuneami

Presented In Elton John-Vision!

Wild Zero opens at the latest performance of the trio, who've built quite an underground following; one of the most fanatical being the movie's protagonist, Ace. Trying to get backstage after a concert, Ace accidentally - it's the only way he manages to do anything - 'saves' the Wolves from their manager, the disturbing Captain. Anyone would be hard pressed to find a more reprehensible main villain in recent cinema without referencing Nazis, for while the Captain is a full grown man with a beard, he sports a page-boy hairpiece and the Daisy Dukes of a Lil' Kim backup dancer.

In the confusion, Guitar Wolf marks Ace as his blood brother, and gives him a magic whistle that will summon the group whenever their fan is in a tight spot. Now, the question isn't what the fuck, but why the fuck... doesn't every musician have one of those? It'd make it easier to summon Snoop Dogg for court appearances, make Creed appear in front of a firing squad, or evoke the powerful spirit of Johnny Cash. The downside would be that for cute girls like Meg White of the White Stripes, it'd practically be a rape whistle.

Rock Is Undead
B-sides the tangent, it only gets weirder from there as Ace's dumb luck strikes again on his way to the next gig. Foiling would-be convenience store robbers, he falls in love with one of the hostages: Tobio, a shy girl with ears the size of a grown man's palms. Not willing to let potential love get in the way of rocking out, Ace heads down the highway on his moped to the next Guitar Wolf show....

... about the time that the zombies controlled by flying saucers show up.

Which is why unsurprisingly after leaving their latest concert, Guitar Wolf hears a faint whistle... and the boys are off to rescue Ace; unaware that a very angry and well-armed Captain is on their trail for seeking new management. With all these catalysts already in the mix, another is added: the hottest arms dealer ever. Equipped with killer weaponry in every sense of the word, she's caught in the midst of the zombie hordes equipped with nothing but her guns and peculiar fashion sense (where do you get or wear a plaid fur-lined bathing suit, anyways?). And so, the Wolf pack puts down their axes and pick up some dub pistols to start grave diggin' for the unruly dead alive.

Strum Und Drang

I HAVE THE POWER!!!

Will Ace and Tobio's hearts prevail in the face of brain-hungry zombies? Can rock 'n' roll save the day? What is the flat trajectory and stopping power of an electrified guitar pick? These are questions that everyone needs answered. Especially by the slickest musicians in sunglasses this side of the original Blues Brothers.

So join the Brotherhood of the Guitar Wolf, and get amped with Wild Zero. Besides having the most exploding heads of any movie reviewed on this site so far, it's a winning combination of rock 'n' reel that while certainly not fit for mass consumption, will be pitch-perfect to those who are already a little off-key. One could expect nothing less from a group with the song "Let's Kick Ass All Night". As Stacy could be thought of as a Girl's Night Out of the Living Dead, Guitar Wolf's magnum opus is a Battle Royale of a Band on the Run. Soundtrack this death metal movie down A.S.A.P.

On the web: Wild Zero DVD at Poker Industries
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