At Least Newport is Pretty to Look At
When The OC debuted I wrote that it was formulaic, but still good enough that I could look past its obvious paint-by-number plot lines and abnormally attractive characters and just love Adam Brody. Er, the show. I meant the show, as a whole, with Adam Brody as just one of its parts. It has heart in Peter Gallagher and conflict in the class struggles and adorable sexiness in, you guessed it, Adam Brody.

Since then the new season has brought us more Make and Bake TV, except not as exciting or unpredictable, as it was to watch those little crystals melt into my Holly Hobby or Garfield sun catcher.

How Did Joey Potter Ever Turn Him Down?
One Tree Hill is the WB's new Chad Michael Murray vehicle. It should be good. CMM is good. Got nothing against the Chad. I loved him in Gilmore Girls, loved him on the Creek, and the part of that Lone Ranger movie I saw looked just as overdone as you would expect the Teen Beat version of a classic cowboys and Indians to be.

The other characters on the Hill though (which is what I'm calling it now, in case Television Without Pity hasn't already done it) make me cringe. I shudder too. I shudder and cringe and my finger twitches for the remote whenever one of them starts to recite dialogue that could have only come from a Script Writing Teen Dramas for Dummies handbook. Give me the over-the-top eloquence of Dawson and crew over a "Tell me we didn't just steal a school bus! 'Cause this feels like we just stole a school bus!" any day.

Can't we just have CMM show up at Yale and have a Rory and Tristan reunion now that Cute Dean is out of the way? The Chad just shouldn't be wasting all his brooding and pouting on this show. The formula for a decent hour of TV is all there, but Hill has none of the subtlety or grace or depth of say, Buffy, or Gilmore Girls or even Smallville.

Not Even a Freaking Vine to Swing From
This week the WB launched Tarzan, although it didn't seem to get nearly as much hype as the other new programs. I had high hopes for the show, and not just because of its star, Calvin Klein underwear model Travis Fimmel.

Judging from the few brief, cryptic promos that did air, Tarzan looked like a new Angel, a dark-but-misunderstood-character-of-the-night sort of thing. But whereas Angel's purpose is to find redemption for his evil vampire deeds by helping others now that he has a soul, Tazzy's purpose appears to be getting booty. It just doesn't have the same impact somehow. And by taking such an easy route, the writers have wound up with a mediocre mess.

The story begins with our incredibly beautiful hero being mute and animalistic, due to his jungle upbringing. He's been captured by a man who thinks Big T is his long-lost nephew (there's a plane crash and stuff, but it doesn't matter and for all the story cares he may as well have been living in the San Diego Zoo). There's lots of room for creativity here, about how Tarzan maybe has to relearn his humanity or learn to trust and love or maybe just become an insane eco-warrior on behalf of his primate brothers back home, but no. All of that potential is just wasted.

So Tarzan and Jane just happen to meet one dark and stormy night while she's working on a case. You see, she's supposed to be a cop, but instead of a touch chick officer who doesn't take crap and refuses to be lured in by Tree Boy and his mysterious ways, Jane turns out to be a romantic sap who's not even all that attractive by the usual WB standards and is kind of old and who really only served to remind me just how kick ass Gillian Anderson was in the X-Files. Damn, I miss that show.

Anyway, they meet. Tarzan, who has escaped captivity, saves her life but is then recaptured by his uncle, who happens to be Skinner from the X-Files, which brings this all full circle. I think Skinner is supposed to seem like a good guy, just trying to keep his nephew safe, but it's obvious that he's going to wind up being the Lionel Luthor character.

Now here's how the show would have gone in my perfect world: The writers would have stuck more closely to the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" style relationship we all know and kept the lovely Mr. Fimmel speechless and untamed for at least a few episodes. A strong-willed Jane would then wrestle with her feelings of desire and intrigue, particularly as she has just become engaged to her meathead boyfriend, a la Lana Lang and Whitney on Smallville.

Instead of attempting to create tension and a 'will they or won't they' atmosphere though, the writers... well, they just suck. Tarzan speaks almost immediately, in full sentences, baring his soul and telling Jane that he's meant to be with her. Day one and already he's a whipped puppy dog, she's a dope and I'm bored.

I'll Draw You a Diagram
Don't these writers know that nothing is a bigger turn off to a female than having a guy fawn over her? We like the chase just as much as men do, and they've just skipped it all! Why do you think Evil Clark is so popular on Smallville? It's great that Clark loves Lana and all, but when he grows a backbone and shows his libido off with other females it creates suspense and tension about whether or not she might lose him. If he was just goo goo eyed all the time it would get really tired, really fast. Plus, Tom Welling looks really hot in tight black shirts.

At this point I'm thinking I would rather watch a show made up entirely of peripheral characters from the good shows (maybe Bright from Everwood, Chloe from Smallville, Kurt from Gilmore Girls and Fred from Angel) than watch the non-chemistry that Tarzan is trying to force on us. Travis Fimmel does a fine job of flirting through all that hair, and I might enjoy him just fine with the sound off, but otherwise I give the show a big "meh."