Yes. More Sex Toys!
In our ongoing series of Things That Make You Go Mmm,... , I've traversed time, space and size, making a grand leap from the coquettish Hello Kitty vibe to the Ribbed UR3 G-Spot Hard Throb. The difference should already be obvious: Kitty... Hard... Kitty... Hard...

The box boasts the following features:

• g-spot tip
• ribbed for extra pleasure
• vibrates with orgasmic multi-speed action
• the ultimate ribbed UR3 sleeve and vibrator
• comes with your own personal travel/storage bag

Sounds good, no? Especially that part about the travel/storage bag. The fact that the UR3 is 7" meant it was a little smaller than I'm used to (yes, really), still I was looking forward to adding a little zing! to my usual schwing!

I get by with a little help from my boyfriend.
I enlisted the help of my boyfriend... or, rather, he surprised me with it in bed one night. It was dark so I couldn't make out details, but I could see the UR3's silhouette. I'm guessing he had a look on his face that fell somewhere between excited and lecherous. Mine probably fell between excited and apprehensive.

According to the box, UR3 stands for "Ultra-Realistic 3.0: The Ultimate Skin." If ultimate skin looks and feels like a gummy worm, then they hit the nail on the head. Given its slightly sticky nature, it's probably best to use some lube. Should you deem the skin unnecessary or unwanted, it can be slipped off to reveal a traditional vibrator underneath. I wanted to take it on, skin and all. My boyfriend brought the UR3 closer to its destination... and then we heard The Noise.

That decidedly unsexy buzzing noise. The sound eminating from the UR3 resembled a very angry cow being shaved with an electric razor. No amount of battery re-arrangement or clutching would placate it. I know that vibrators can get loud but I bet even the neighbors heard this. A simple twist of the bottom, where the batteries are inserted, is supposed to increase the speed. Instead, it succeeding in making the cow angrier.

What up, G?
The UR3's raison d'etre is to stimulate the elusive g-spot. Though suspected to be a joke played on the entire male gender, the g-spot is a real thing that exists in all women. It's just notoriously difficult to find, given that a penis usually doesn't curve appropriately. The UR3 is designed to remedy the situation with its curved tip. I'm sure some women consider it a God-send. Women who are not me.

The angry buzzing and the probing tip made a normally pleasant procedure jarring and uncomfortable. I'm sure eventually the g-spot would've been located... but I didn't have the patience or fortitude to let my boyfriend maneuver the UR3 inside me as if spelunking for unearthed treasures. "No, uh uh... no... stop."

So as my boyfriend switched off the UR3 and set it aside, we let out sighs of defeat and took matters into our own hands. The good old-fashioned way might be old-fashioned but at least it's good.