Let's get one thing out of the way. Newmoanyeah pays me dick.

Actually, that would be a pay raise. As it is, I have to supply my own dick most days.

Despite that, I have been hounded by Editor Steve lately to write a review. This review isn't going to change the world, and (based on my track-record) I doubt it will cure cancer either. But Steve's been relentless. So in the tradition of French Newmoanyeah readers everywhere, I give up. The topic? I've chosen to review the dubious tactics Editor Steve has used to squeeze one piddly article from my time-starved fingers:

Friendly suggestions: C+
The heavy-handed emails came first, then the voicemails. "Hey, so the manga-rotica review fell out for next week, we need something to run in its place..." the messages say. His friendly Asian tone [Not unlike Vern Yip, some say. - Steve] almost convinces me, but I have a secret weapon: Turns out Hotmail automatically forwards any email from an @newmoanyeah.com address to my Junk Mail folder (and you thought Microsoft never did any good). If Steve's going to get blood from a stone he's going to have to try harder than this.

Barter: B+
Promises of burned STEAKS [Word substitued for something less incriminating. - Steve], free HOOKERS [Word substitued for something less incriminating. - Steve], etc. appeal to the cheapskate in me. My ears perk up. I turn on the computer, maybe even type in a line or two. But then the concept of 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind' kicks in. I don't see any STEAKS around here. Who's this guy kidding? I turn off my computer and turn on my supercool new Game Boy Advance SP.

Guilt: F
Guilt requires a conscience. Next.

Reverse Psychology: F+
Sorry Steve, but threatening to boycott Thanksgiving dinner at my house this year really isn't much of a threat. Sending Groovalicious Staff Writer Lisa in your place, now that's a threat!

Pressure Tactics: B-
Editor Steve can be a convincing guy. That silver-tongue of his could sell snake oil to a snake oil manufacturer. But he reached a new low by blackmailing me with this old cartoon [Hello! Still not my idea! - Steve] which he ran in a recent issue. His campaign was clearly growing into an obsession. Do my windows need locking? Will my friendster profile be sabotaged? Does he have a voodoo doll of me with its hands glued to a keyboard? The last straw came when I went to the local barber shop for my monthly barbering. Through my peripheral vision, just for an instant, I swear I could see Steve's reflection in that big mirror, plastic bag in hand, collecting my clippings.

With his options nearly exhausted, there was only one last thing Editor Steve could do:

Leave me alone and wait: A++!
The above review is all the proof you need.

Next time: A review of my campaign for a raise.

This article is part of Newmoanyeah's Happy Birthday, Newmoanyeah Week.