Editor Steve Strikes Again. Wah Ha Ha!
My assignment was simple: eat one of McDonald's newest creations, the McGriddle. What's funny is that this wasn't a much sought after mission. Newmoanyeah staffers weren't clamoring to be the first to write about this culinary exercise in heart-stopping breakfast action. Oh no, this was one of Editor Steve's sadistic reviews, which leads me to ask, what happened to me and Mickey D's? We used to be so close.

When I was little, an after-school trip to the McDonald's playground was a big treat. I could climb up into the big metal Mayor McCheese then be terrified to have to climb down the long ladder (which couldn't have been more than four feet tall). There were slides and those gobliny things that just rocked back and forth but with enough oomph to make your brain rattle around in your head.

I had at least three birthday parties there (I think on alternating years with Chuck E. Cheese) with a Ronald McDonald cake that had little sugar balloons on it. One summer I had ballet lessons at McDonald's, taught by an older woman who normally ran a register. We were all given red and yellow tutus for the recital at the end of summer, with fries and nuggets and orange drink all around afterward. That might be an idea they should bring back to encourage all the kids they're supersizing to work off a few of those calories. Yeah, those were the days.

Couldn't I Have It for Dinner?
But today we are focused only on the McGriddle. The biggest challenge of the assignment was getting up early enough to get there while breakfast was being served. My unemployed schedule doesn't usually call for me to get out of bed much before 10 on a weekday. I picked up some freelance work though, forcing me to set my alarm for an ungodly 7 a.m., and made it to the Yellow Arches around 8 a.m. on Friday. I walked in, took one good whiff and my stomach, which was still mostly asleep, grunted disapproval and flopped around a bit. I had to leave and come back on Saturday at a more reasonable 9:30 a.m. before I was able to ingest anything with a big M stamped on it.

One more tangent and then I promise to get back to the Griddlicious. What's up with the whole McDonald's/Pirates of the Caribbean promotion? I'm so confused. There are movie posters in the stores, but they don't have a special Pirate Burger or anything. There are Pirates commercials that feature McDonald's, but seeing as how the film is set in the 18th century, there's no product placement. In fact they eat a lot of apples, which is the opposite what you would associate with the McEstablishment.

I Know What Puts the Happy in My Meal
I was hoping there might be some Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom Happy Meal toys involved. I love my Happy Meal toys. I do my best to avoid fast food, but when there's collecting to be done, I'll go a few times a week. I know that's exactly what those promotions are meant to do and I still fall for it every time. I have all 15 of Burger King's 2001 Simpsons' Spooky Lightups toys and the entire Lord of the Rings set (19 interlocking pieces which form an actual ring and talk and light up). My aunt once hit five McDonald's in one day looking for Teeny Beanies. Her fridge was full of apple pies for a week.

But do I get a little ship with a sexy Mr. Depp and toy chest of cursed gold and skeleton pirates and itty-bitty swords? Nope. How cool would it have been to pit Legolas/Orlando against Will Turner/Orlando? Really freaking cool I tell you! Instead there's just a lousy poster that they aren't even giving away and some lame-ass Spy Kids 3-D toys instead. Stupid Spy Kids.

I Deserve a Break Today
Ok fine, I'll talk about the McGriddle now, but only because I'm trying to forget about my plastic Orlando bath toy that could have been.

There are three types of McGriddle. According to mcdonalds.com:

McGriddles® breakfast sandwiches provide an innovative way for customers to eat warm golden griddle cakes (with the sweet taste of maple syrup baked right in), and different combinations of savory sausage, crispy bacon, fluffy eggs and melted cheese in a convenient sandwich.

I went with the bacon version because it's hard to go wrong with bacon. Insert Kevin Bacon joke here. My sandwich was made fresh and delivered to me steaming hot. It was so hot in fact that I had to let it sit a couple of minutes because it burnt my fingers just to pick it up and I didn't want to risk disabling my taste buds. Of course, that was my common sense getting in the way of what could have been a perfectly good lawsuit.

"Honestly your honor, I had no idea it could hurt to eat hot things. I don't think we covered that at Boston University. What? Pizza? It makes the skin behind your top teeth burn and then flake off in a disgusting way that makes you gag at eating your own flesh? No, I've never heard of such a thing."

Anyway, once the thing cooled off a little I took my first tiny bite. My fingers were instantly shiny with grease, and I was glad that I had grabbed a wad of napkins from those cool new space-age cardboard dispensers. Aside from that, I have to say that the cake part does indeed taste very maple syrupy. By themselves the cakes would be a sweet and tasty breakfast.

The fluffy egg though, would not. I don't know how they make square eggs, but I assume they get poured from a carton into a mold. I don't like eggs much to begin with and only make them part of a meal a couple of times a year, but when I do eat them I like for them to look like real eggs. The taste was fine, it was more the squishy consistency that made me squirm. Don't take my word for it though, because I say the same thing about peas, too much jelly on a pb&j sandwich and flan.

Mmmmm... Microwaved Fast Food Bacon
The bacon was surprisingly yummy, so I made a good choice there. It was well done, which is how I prefer it, and there was enough to get some in every bite. Bacon is another item that I don't eat very often and I felt much less guilt because with every bite I could think, "Hey, I didn't want to eat this, but it's an assignment so I can hardly refuse."

There's also a slice of very orange cheese stuck in there, which really is as American as it gets. Cheap fat people love unnatural colors in their food products. Just witness the pink Hostess snowball!

They Should Really Partner Up with Clean and Clear
I made it about halfway through the McGriddle when the grease began to overwhelm me. There's a reason it has so much flavor, and it's not because of some kind of amazing organic process that allows the ingredients' natural flavors to come bursting through. I could feel the ooze burrowing into my lips and chin and just knew that it would regroup and mutiny into a zit within hours. (Arg! Mutiny! There's your pirate connection.)

I couldn't in good conscience finish the entire thing, so I peeled it apart, left the egg half and ate the bacon half open-faced. No sense in wasting good bacon after all. For the next hour I felt weighed down and a little soggy, and even without a mirror I just knew my chin had to be glowing from the oil slick it had encountered. I was desperate to go home for a shower to get the unclean feeling off of me, but I had afternoon plans and had to wait several hours to wash. By that time I knew the damage was done. Sure enough, the next morning I woke up with a small but noticeable white, poofy, pus-filled area on my lower lip. Drat.

Looking back on the experience, given that my entire body was working to repel the McGriddle and pass it from end to end as quickly as possible, I can't believe there are people who would eat this on a regular basis unless they were trying to commit suicide in a very slow and cost-efficient manner. It just makes no sense to me.

If you're willing to risk it yourself, at least read the facts first. Note that one McGriddle contains 80% of your recommended daily allowance of cholesterol. 80%! If I'm going to waste 80% of anything on one meal, it had better have some nougat and be surrounded in chocolate, or come in a Ben & Jerry's container.

Final rating: B+ for taste, F for the lack of common sense and decency Ronald and friends have shown in selling this junk to their fellow man.

Nutrition Facts
Bacon, Egg & Cheese McGriddles
Serving Size: 5.9 oz (169 g)

	Total	%Daily Value
Calories	450	-
Total Fat (g)	23	36
Saturated Fat (g)	8	38
Cholesterol (mg)	240	80
Sodium (mg)	1270	53
Carbohydrates (g)	43	14