I'm an Idiot When it Comes to the Package (But not When it Comes to Puns)
Written to editor, Stephen, who sent me this product to review: "On the USPS box you sent it in, there was a thing on the flap that said 'please press firmly across entire flap' so I did, thinking it would open. I didn't realize that they were directions on how to seal it--not open it. Because I'm a very smart person."

And in there, the Gillette-like feel to the actual packaging looked like this was a shaving product. But Doc Johnson's Sta-Erect Delay Creme For Men ("for men" because women's penises react differently) doesn't go on the face.

SENSE of Purpose!
This tube of "tasteless & odorless" penis paste boasts giving one the power of a longer lasting erection. I think. The name is Sta-Erect, which implies that the user's member would sta erect. But the packaging also refers to itself as a "delay creme." One could infer that it would actually keep you from having an erection instead. The practicality of this delaying idea is that someone would use it for places to not have an erection in until afterwards. Appointment for a physical? A moment with delay creme and I'm your man. A violating strip search? Sure, I'll be out in a minute. A trip to the zoo? Hold on please.

To continue the "I'll have an erection later" suspicion, the description on the back of the box (which I'd like to call the synopsis) says it's a "desensitizer" producing "temporary slight numbing effects" and that it is made in a "specially compounded vanishing cream." Because not only will this keep you from having an erection, but your penis will also disappear.

But let's say I am a little smart and I know for sure this product is all about keeping it up through the use of desensitizing. The whole delay fiasco is probably refering to the time you "release the hounds." The directions on the back says to "gently massage into skin ten minutes before contact." Ten minutes is a long time to wait for it to kick in, and without contact, that means it's on its own. While your erection waits for backup, you theoretically have enough time to make a quick meal or take the dog out for a walk.

Editor Stephen has been calling this review collection of fine Doc Johnson products as "sex toy reviews," but Sta-Erect is more of a viagra alternative than a toy. The closest thing this can be to a toy would be whatever you use to apply this cream--basically a hand or a paint roller, depending on who you are.

Going So Low!
Sta-Erect Delay Creme isn't only an asset to your personals ad (profile search for "oprahsaurus" on Spring St. Networks or any of it's affiliated partners). Show your girl how much you love her with a tube of this. Sta-Erect Delay Creme is a symbol of your devotion. It says that you are a giver. Just remember to have a girl in the first place. Theoretically there is no point in using this nerve-numbing cream solo-style other than to induce carpal tunnel syndrome. Go with the girl; It will be one of the first few times a man could pretend he feels something (zing!).

Doing it Elsewhere!
Being wary, this was first tested on the skin around the wrist area for no real reason other than that I would like to treat my penis cream like I treat cologne. And this "odorless" white cream smells like cheap halloween makeup which later evolves into an aromatic bouquet of generic ointment smell.

And speaking of raves, it leaves a slight glittery residue. I can't tell if that's an active ingredient like how flavor crystals are for gum, or if this whole product is some sort of joke. It's like that classic black eye/telescope gag, but more festive. In the heat of passion I don't want people to jump out from under the bed or haystack and yell "Surprise! You look like you molested a disco ball!"

I couldn't tell the difference as far as numbing sensations. But I hardly ever pay attention to my arms' feelings. As far as rashes, burning sensations, and instant death, there was none. That is good enough to gain exclusive entrance to the trendy celebrity hangout known as My Crotch Area. It's the place to be.

YES? AND?
But is this legit? Sure, yeah. It helps. And that's all you need to know.