Even Better Than Space Mountain
I went to Disneyland every year for my birthday from the ages of 7 to 12, spending two days dragging my parents over every inch of the park, and onto every ride. Even though it wasn't the most exciting ride there, I always looked forward to the Pirates of the Caribbean, and not just because it was so nice and cool in there compared to the steamy LA heat that infected the rest of the park.

Gliding from set to set in our mechanical boat, I felt like I was part of the action. It was like taking a vacation to another time and place, just by crossing the yellow line that said "Stand Back" at the dock. Trollops ran from drunken scallywags, there was rum aplenty and you always had to be on the lookout for cannon fire. This was what I always hoped to experience on the Peter Pan ride, to actually be taken into the heart of Neverland, but it just wasn't the same.

At the end of the ride, my head was so full of gold treasure, eye patches, parrots and peg legs, it was jarring to walk back into the sunlight and have Goofy tooting by with the Beauty and the Beast parade.

Going into this with those lovely memories, I wasn't sure how a movie could be based on a ride, since I didn't think the ride had a plot or characters, but it is magnificent. The mood of the ride, mysterious and full of unexpected adventure, has been captured perfectly, fitted with real live actors, and set in scenery that could only be inhabited by storybook pirates, because it's much too fantastic for modern day accountants or dentists to inhabit.

Ed Wood and the Elf
And at the center of the entire magical production stands a dread locked, growling, heavily mascara'd, perfectly insane Johnny Depp. I have never loved him more. He's larger-than-life and although it's almost impossible not to feel overwhelmed by him, I can't imagine the movie would have been any more than mediocre without him.

The plot of the curse is formulaic, the romance between Will (Orlando Bloom, who I will get to soon) and Elizabeth is predictable, and many of the other characters, particularly the stiff Brits, are barely even one-dimensional. (Follow rules! Serve the crown! Tell capable and passionate Will to butt out while we bumble, hopelessly inept, over the high seas!)

And yet, I had a great time. It's not that it's classic cinema, it's just that I laughed and smiled through the entire film. By the end, I felt as though I'd been riding on the majestic old ships right along with them all. I was ready to grab a treasure map and go looking for the big X.

This was most surprising to me because just the night before I caught a rerun of Depp's recent appearance on Letterman. He was quiet and thoughtful and humble and told the kind of stories about his kids that are only, sometimes, amusing to other parents. He was hardly swarthy or roguish, but he was endearing, and he had on the sexiest glasses. Yar!

So to see this soft-spoken man prancing around caves and ship decks, part Don Juan DeMarco, part Chocolat gypsy and part flamboyant sea-goth, I was impressed, to put it mildly. This is a guy who holds nothing back when it comes to creating an unforgettable character. (Gilbert Grape? Edward Scissorhands? Cry Baby? All excellent.)

Arrows, Swords, It's All the Same Thing
I was also surprised to find myself preoccupied with Depp because I mostly went to see Orlando Bloom. I love him in the Lord of the Rings films as Legolas, but having a preference for brunettes, I thought he'd make an even more attractive pirate. I was so incredibly right. He and Depp have a few creative scenes of swordplay, and their banter is just as quick and stabbing.

Bloom is given little chance to impress, with Depp stealing every scene, but he holds his own and is more than just a pretty face, or a sweating, heaving, more-often-than-not wet and fit body. I'm pretty much dripping with anticipation for LOTR: The Return of the King.

Had I lived back in the 18th century and come into contact with pirates this beautiful and honorable, I would have begged to be swash buckled, pillaged and plundered. Arg indeed.

A final word, on the FX. I know The Matrix is the end-all be-all for most geek fans of all the computer crap they can do today, but I was quite amazed at some of the stunts and tricks they pulled off here. You'll have to see for yourself, but I'll just say that the moonlight effects, and the seamless transformation from the real to the undead, was quite a sight.

The downside to this movie is seeing how it's inspired Disney to put other rides on the big screen. One of the previews was for The Haunted Mansion, starring Eddie Murphy. Why, Eddie? Why? Fingers crossed that It's A Small World, with Haley Joel Osment or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, starring Andy Dick, aren't next on the list.