Last Monday (April 7th), Jackie Chan turned 49
I want you to sit back and think about that. That's nearly half a century of stunts, flips, kicks, and straight-up action crammed into one human being. Steven Seagal hasn't even had that much experience sucking, and he's two years older. Jackie is a battered but unbeatable icon - he's fought foes in damn near every setting except space, comes out remarkably scathed, and yet still picks himself up for another try. With his own poorly animated cartoon [@#$%! I loooooove the cartoon!!! - Stephen] and poorly designed videogame (hey, you can't win 'em all), and countless films to his credit, it's hard to imagine a time when he wasn't a media mogul with his own line of lunchboxes, t-shirts and flame-throwers. We here at Newmoanyeah - well, the two ChanFanatics among us - have decided to beat all the other publications a full calendar year to the one-inch punch by holding a birthday extravaChanza for everyone's favorite Mr. Nice Guy. Take a look at these classic Chan selections to help you hail the Clown Prince of Kung Fu's 50 (-1)th birthday!

[The following have been made 100% Chris Tucker free for your viewing pleasure.]

Armor Of God
Jackie is the 'Asian Hawk', a tomb raider for fun and profit, who gets caught between a cheesy love triangle subplot and an evil organization's plan to rule the world with the help of some ancient armor. While Jackie's always worked from the Big Book of Action Movie Cliches, this movie makes the list for featuring one of his most grievious injuries - a fall on a rock that left him with a hole in his skull to this day. The blow to the head partly explains the ludicrous final fight, which is one of my all-time favorites: the Hawk battles it out against a gang of kung-fu Tina Turners in corsets and high heels. The best part? When taking falls, the Grace Jones clones mysteriously become Asian stuntmen in drag - a phenomenon that only extends to this movie, should this cause a rash of martial arts attacks on African American women.This and its sequel, the more familiar Operation Condor were released stateside in reverse order, so apparently Jackie's not the only one who got conked on the noggin.

Dragons Forever
It would be completely idiotic to have a best of Chan article and not mention at least one flick with the Three Brothers. For those of you less Chaneducated, the Three Brothers are (in order of oldest to youngest) Sammo Hung (of Martial Law fame), Jackie Chan, and Yuen Biao, all of whom rigorously trained together as children in a school for Peking Opera. Somehow, years removed from Peking Opera, Jackie plays a swanky, womanizing lawyer whose close associates are a black market arms dealer (played by Hung) and a moderately psychotic eccentric (played by Biao). Add in a polluted fishpond, a little romance, and a lot of misunderstanding and you're bound to have hilarity (and positively insane fight sequences) ensue. Dragons Forever is the last of three great movies with this heroic trio (the other two being Project A and Wheels on Meals).

City Hunter
Based on the long running manga of the same name, Chan stars as the Don Johnson wannabe private eye Ryu Saeba. There's a story in here that reads like Speed 2 if it could read, but as always, if you're here for the story, you don't know Jackie; as the flick is basically a series of increasingly bizarre scenes linked with fights (as opposed to the increasingly dull ones of current kung-fu films). Jackie fights off two Kareem Abdul Jabbar-sized thugs in a movie theater (while the classic Bruce - Kareem Game Of Death plays out in the background), has dream sequences straight out of a cartoon where he imagines a girl's breasts as hamburgers, then is promptly whacked on the head with a mallet, and in a culmination of insane genius, gets electrocuted and fights inside of a Street Fighter II game. That's right, against a guy dressed as Ken, Jackie battles as E. Honda and even Chun-Li, pegging the WTF factor at a 10+. Honestly, the rest of the movie pales in comparison to the sheer unblinking madness that is the previously mentioned scene.

Police Story
Miracles nearly took this spot away from Police Story. The Editor Steve-half of this article has a soft spot for Miracles as it's a make-you-laugh-make-you-cry type movie with a convoluted, yet truly decent plot to go along with mad clever fight choreography. But, common sense took over. Police Story single-handedly redefined the kung fu/action genre. While many U.S. fans may be Police Story illiterate, they may be pleasantly surprised in knowing that Supercop and First Strike are actually Police Story 3 and Police Story 4, respectively. Every single movie in this series is worth watching (though 2 is probably the weakest). Jackie is just exceptional as a wrong-place-wrong-time goody-two-shoes cop in a series of straightforward good guy vs. bad guy action flicks. Police Story ain't rocket science when it comes to plot, but damn… it's certifiable genius when it comes to action.

Drunken Master 2
Now here's where Stephen and I agree. This was the second time [ummm... just the second? - Stephen] Jackie had worked with kung-fu choreography guru Yuen Woo Ping, and it's no doubt that this was one of the films that must have attracted the Wachowski Bros. to help him teach Neo and Co. how to throw down. When the two had collaborated in the first Drunken Master, the fighting was a bit stiff, for all its genius. Now, as Wong Fei Hung, Chan's movements flow like fine wine into a string of maneuvers that'll have you reaching for the frame skip button just so you can say 'holy shit' to the proper image, instead of just a lunatic blur of a boozehound knocking the fuck out of people. That said, the movies on my list have all made it for one chief reason above all else - something I call 'the boss factor'. What good is all this artistry if the guys Jackie fights pose no real threat and have no presence? He might as well be punching babies, and hell, I can go into a maternity ward and do that for free (but not for long). No, every Chan film worth discussing has at least one memorable fight with a guy or gal so blatantly videogame-styled that the only thing missing is life bars above their heads and the ability to hit trashcans and find entire cooked turkeys inside [Mmmm, turkey… - Stephen]. While City Hunter took this literally, Woo Ping made it seem natural, ending the film with a seriously involved square-off in an ironworks with a man, who for all intents and purposes, looks like an Asian Clark Kent. He actually forces Jackie into one of his most infamous stunts - backpedaling on hands and feet across a pit of hot coals. And yet, this was just 10 years ago - about the same time I was writing letters to Nintendo Power about where Hyrule was in relation to my hometown and shoehorning the word 'rad' into every sentence. [This is my #2 favorite movie behind Star Wars, which says plenty. Otherwise, go check out this other thing I wrote about DM2. - Stephen]

So, what we're trying to say is, here's to you, Jackie Chan. May the next 50 years be as great as the last were - if for no other reason that to keep greedy Hollowwood types from trying to turn you into a CGI zombie like Bruce Lee. [And, I'd still like to see the rumored Police Story 5 and Armor of God 3 before you're done! - Stephen]