"Dialogue. We don't need no stinkin' dialogue!"
The 2-hour spectacular that is the Star Wars Holiday Special opens with a brief exchange between Han and Chewie in the Falcon trying to outrun the Empire. The viewers learn in this exchange that Han is trying to get Chewie home to his wife, "special" son, and butt-ugly father for Life Day -- a non-secular nebulous sounding holiday that will offend no one. That's about the last we get of dialogue for almost 20 minutes. Now that I think about it, even that dialogue was a one-sided conversation of Han's.

The next eternal 20 minutes are spent on the "character development" of Chewbacca's family in their ski lodge home. It's supposed to paint a heartwarming scene of domestic life with a firm but loving Mom who has to remind her son to do his chores as he tries to "Aw, shucks" his way out of it. Grandpa is the lovable old coot that tells Junior to mind his Mom, but instigates misbehavior once her back is turned. Only none of this really comes across, because our Beaver Cleaver family is a bunch of Wookiees. This is a race only capable of expressing two states of emotion: rage and non-rage. This limited repertoire of emotion works for Chewbacca who is normally in the midst of Imperial attack, or planning an attack. It does not work for the domestic scene set before viewer. For 20 minutes, you get to listen to grunts and sighs while large piles of hair pace back and forth and jump up and down. It's akin to really furry, really, really boring porn.

70's Commercials are Hysterical, and That's No Jive
We finally get a reprieve from the incredibly dull Wookiees with dated 70's commercials. There was some union and GM propaganda, Anacin (do they even make that anymore), and Hungry Jack biscuits, all presented in a parade of polyester and Farrah Fawcett hair. It was wonderful! And they actually used the phrase "That's no jive"! My favorite moment in these stream of Mento-esque ads was the slogan for Graham Bell telephones: "Be Choosey". Beautiful.

Tights, Starships and Other Non-Sequiters
Back to the show, I'm afraid. So after desperately groping for our desire to like this Wookiee family, Lucas of course brings in the Empire to destroy their home and shift their eyes in an evil fashion. "Boo Empire!" They are looking for Chewie who may be a rebel (Duh!). They have set up a blockade so he may not make it home for Life Day. But of course we know he will because Good always triumphs over Evil, even though Good is not necessarily the brightest bulb in the box and incredibly dull at times (see Chewbacca's family). That's it. That's the plot and the show that needs to take up 2 hours. So now we get 105 minutes of filler.

The first of the pointless fluff (I mean besides the show as a whole) is performances by some Cirque De Soleil reject acrobats. These are actually the best filler of the whole show, and it's used in the first 30 minutes.

We also get to hear an 8-minute song from Jefferson Starship, you know, because their name has something to do with space and ships, so it all comes together nicely. What was the song? Who knows? It was fast-forwarded.

There are some bad skits written by aspiring SNL writers, (yes, THAT bad) with special effects that makes Clash of the Titans look like The Matrix.

The obligatory cameos by Luke and Lei are also fulfilled as they call to wish Chewie a "Happy Life Day", discover he's not home yet, and proceed to do nothing to help. Because these Rebels are the kind of people to just sit back and let fate play itself out. Also their involvement in their friend's life may detract from some of the more pointless material being showcased. Such as Bea Arthur serving urine colored water at the Cantina on Mos Eisley and singing.

It is at this point that I lean over and kick Editor Steve very hard.

Finally! Something Almost as Good as "Be Choosey."
There is a nifty little Star Wars cartoon that gets played that introduces Boba Fett in the midst of the other crap. It involves a sleeping virus that only affects humans (But not Boba for some unexplained reason. Ohmigod - that was a Star Wars nerd observation. I take it back! I take it back!!!) Boba befriends Chewie and the two gay droids and offers to get the antidote for Han and Luke. Only he is, of course, working for Vader. But even as a cartoon, Boba Fett is awfully slick. Until the end, when the cartoon abruptly ends with Boba's evil ties being discovered, and he draws his blaster on Luke and Han and, and... slowly backs out of the door and leaves. The hell? But still, a million light years better than Bea Arthur singing.

We also get to see this stuffed Bantha that Lumpy, Chewie's son, has in his room. It is there solely as a prop for the Storm Troopers to destroy so we are again reminded of how evil they must be. But it is a kick ass toy. I want one for my daughter. If anyone out there knows George, let him know that since he's already such a marketing whore, he could at least produce something cool like the Bantha. Oh, and a good movie.

100 Wookiees! That's a Whole Lot of Muskrat Fur
Guess what? Chewbacca makes it home (no!). And he and Han get there just in time to startle the last remaining Storm Trooper into throwing himself off of their balcony (because we wouldn't want to kill anyone on Life Day). Sorry Irony, you're not invited.

It's time for the gathering of Wookiees for the Life Day festival. Someone in costume must have been all "Crap, George. Do you realize how much damn fur I'm gonna be gluing onto spandex to fully clothe 100 Wokiees? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." But then Costume had an epiphany. By having the Wookiees all wear floor length long sleeved red gowns, they only had to make gloves and heads of fur. Brilliant!

The festival actually consisted of snow globes and Carrie Fisher "singing" a song equally vague and non-offensive as Life Day itself. I mean "non-offensive" in lyrics only. The singing itself was quite offensive. Really. It had me wishing for Bea Arthur.

Then it ends. That's it. Do we ever learn about Life Day? How it came to be celebrated? What exactly is celebrated? How "Bantha Surprise" tastes? No, silly, that wasn't the point of this show.

But I did learn a lesson from which we could all benefit, especially Mr. Lucas:

"Be Choosey."