My Cyber-Search for Love. Or Booty.
This is part two of our series of undercover reports on the state of Internet dating today. Names haven't been changed to protect the boring, because I'm just that petty.

Date Two: Jon Who Wouldn't Leave His House, 23, art student.

The Scene of the Crime
If you read my last report you'll remember that "Manuel" earned big points for planning a great night out, even if we didn't have sizzling chemistry. Jon here could have learned a thing or two from him, and in fact I'm tempted to send him a link to the article, even if it means giving away my secret Lisa-Lane-girl-reporter identity.

Anyone in the Northeast can attest to the fact that it has been a hideously, horribly, excruciatingly cold winter. So of course, after a couple of weeks of emails and chatting, and even a couple of phone calls, Jon and I decide to meet up on a night that's hovering around 3 degrees. I was supposed to meet him at his place (which I wouldn't usually recommend, but I gave his phone number and address to all my friends in case I didn't return) and from there we would walk down the street to a local bar for a drink.

This day also happened to bring the Curse/my Aunt Flo/agonizing menstrual cramps. Half an hour before I was supposed to meet Jon I was all fetal on the couch and about to call and cancel, but instead I took a pill and called to say that I was running a little late. At this point, he was well aware that it was arctic outside. He could have suggested postponing a day or two to save me the trouble of tromping through Boston with frozen hands and feet and nose, but he didn't.

Pictures Always Lie
So, in my pained and bitchy state I got all gussied up, put on my good boots, bundled into gloves and scarf and jacket, and walked several blocks to the T. When I finally arrived at his place, two things struck me. First, he was about six inches shorter than he claimed to be. I know six feet when I see it, and he wasn't it. I don't really care if a guy is tall, since I'm just 5'2" and think anyone over 5'5" is a giant, but the fact that he thought he could lie and not get caught was just ridiculous. Second, he had on no shoes, and didn't look ready to go anywhere.

I came in and said, "Hi, ready to go?" After all, I didn't know this guy and wasn't really up for hanging at his place with him trying the old yawn and putting his arm around me bit. Plus, he had a full beard and looked nothing like the picture I had (which isn't so uncommon as most people put up pictures that make themselves look really hot, and therefore are not at all realistic), and I was instantly unattracted to him. He was just too Grizzly Adams, but without the manly muscles and rugged lumberjack build. More soft and squishy, but not in a, "Whoa! That's goooood squishy" way.

Anyway, he seemed reluctant to go and made the brilliant observation, "It's really cold out." Really? I hadn't noticed on my way here, huddled up, arms all tucked in, blowing on my fingers to keep them from losing all feeling. I said rather firmly that although it was indeed cold out, I was up for going out and wouldn't mind having a drink. After all, I'm not trying to meet new people so that I can spend more evenings in.

This is when he suggested we play Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide. No, really.

I was trying not to let my hormones take over and rip his furry head off, so I agreed and kicked his ass, three out of five. Still, he made no attempt to put on shoes. I should also note at this point he made me sit in his room and wait while a movie trailer finished downloading on his computer and he could watch it. But he wasn't a dork or anything.

Finally, deciding that he had no intention of leaving the house, I agreed to put on a movie, which we had to watch in his room because his roommates were in the living room. Get this. We had to sit on his unmade bed ("Not expecting company tonight?" I asked. "What? I cleaned," he claimed. Jackass mama's boy.) and watch the movie on his computer because something was wrong with his TV. I'd say that it felt like the kind of date you have in college when you're both broke, except even guys I dated in college at least offered me a soda, which Stupid Jon did not.

Once the movie was on we stopped talking, which is yet another reason not to spend a first date inside watching TV. But apparently Jon thought things were just going peachy keen, because he kept tickling my feet, as though he thought I would find it cute and endearing. I did not. The second time he did it I said, "If you do that again, I might hit you." He did, and I did, square in the shoulder, but hard. He looked a little scared and I told him, "You are so not winning any brownie points here."

Tip of the Day
I also decided around this point that he was probably wearing the thick zip-up sweater he had on to cover up his man boobs. Guys, girls do not like for you to have boobs bigger than ours.

The movie ended at 11:45 and the last T was at midnight, so I left, without so much as a handshake, into the wintry, frosty night air.

The Tally
Pros: Well, I did get to watch Galaxy Quest, which I enjoy. I just love Justin Long (from Ed) who plays the kid who saves them all through the power of geekiness. I bet he'd be a really good date.

Cons: He didn't leave the freaking house! If he can't even be bothered to put on shoes and walk down the block for a first date, I can just imagine how the next few dates would go. Maybe he would let me come across town to do his laundry, or if I were lucky he'd let me order and pay for pizza. If he had at least told me on the phone that he didn't want to go out, and had given me the option of hanging at his place or postponing, I would have been ok with him. Instead, he lured me over with promises of alcohol at colorful local hotspots, and gave me an evening that would look boring even on PAX. Honestly, an episode of Diagnosis Murder could have really spiced up the evening.

It's tempting to give up my Internet dating research after a bomb like this, but I have to believe there's at least one fun, interesting guy in Boston who enjoys evenings that include footwear. Applicants are welcome.