Insane Tobacco Farmer's Bad Timing
by Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer
March 20, 2003 + Boston, MA
Kurrent Event Kerri
 For once in my life, I was on top of current events this week. Thanks to a client with offices near the Washington Mall, I knew of the guy who drove his John Deere into a pond and parked it there only an hour or so after it happened.
I laughed. I'm still laughing. Now, mostly out of pity.
Gotta Love the Internet
Almost two days later, the Internet is catching up enough to tell me this guy's story. Here is a desperate man. According to what I've read on WashingtonPost.com (Boston.com has been disappointing in its information) he's a tobacco farmer from North Carolina who's parked his tractor, supposedly filled with explosives, in the middle of the Washington mall to tell the American public all about the unfair government policies that are hurting the tobacco farmers of America.
Yeah, because this is the time to for Americans to rally together and fight the government about their tobacco policies.
Personally, I could care less for his plight. The less tobacco in this world, the better, if you ask me. He further ruined his chances of my support by claiming that God told him to do this. Even so, I can't help but pity him. I bet he spent many sleepless nights planning just how he was going to pull out this grand stunt. Hours were spent preparing all the explosives, the food and water supplies, mapping out the best route from his farm to DC, you know... the important stuff. And then, finally, it's the big day! The day he's been waiting for, the day he's willing to give up his life for...
He parks his tractor and makes his stand at lunchtime on Monday.
Monday night, President Bush announces he will give Saddam Hussein 48 hours to get out of Iraq before he starts a military conflict.
Is there any wonder why so few people outside of those inconvenienced commuters in DC have heard of the plight of one tobacco farmer and his tractor? Is it such a big surprise that most mention of him is pushed off to the side in small letters, sometimes forgetting to mention that he drove the tractor into a pond and didn't leave. (See Boston.com's article title.)
There's a Bright Side?
On the bright side, I'm sure he hasn't noticed. No one's mentioned him to have digital cable or an internet hookup on his tractor. He's got the FBI, ATF, firemen, and other public safety personnel surrounding him around the clock trying to figure out what exactly he wants and what they can do to get him to leave.
And hey, guess what? He's against declaring war on Iraq.
Of course he is! It's already taking away his press time... what would happen if we actually went to war??
Mr. Farmer, if you want my advice, please go home. My client would like to get back into his office sometime this week.
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