This is the first in a series of undercover reports on the state of Internet dating today. Names have been changed to protect the boring.

Date One: "Manuel" the Nice Guy, 25, social worker.

Here We Go, Yo. The Scenario.
Manuel had one really good thing going for him: He put some effort into the evening. He came up with a great plan, going to a Bo Diddley concert, and he seemed prepared to make a night of it. We met up for drinks first and got to spend some time just talking and getting to know each other. This is key, because what's the point in meeting someone for the first time then going to a movie or somewhere you can't get to know each other at all? Then again, some guys could benefit from sitting quietly in a dark room.

From the bar we went down the street to the show, which kicked ass! I will always be glad I went out with Manuel because he took me to see one of the best performances of my life. Bo Diddley may be old, but he could bring just about anyone TRL to their knees. He was dancin' and jammin' and sure, sometimes he forgot the words.. or the chords to a song... but damn he was cool. Big thumbs up to Manuel for picking such a great event.

After that though the evening slowed down. This was partly because it was a Friday and he'd been up since 6am, but also because after a while I noticed that I was doing all the talking. It's not that I was trying to monopolize the conversation, it's just that no matter what I said, his response was, "Yeah, right," or "I know what you mean," or "Hmmm, ok." Not really provocative stuff.

Tip of the Day
Turning on a girl isn't just a matter of rubbing her knee and buying her an extra Long Island Iced Tea. Unless you date idiots, in which case, don't waste the alcohol, just give her a bowl of pretzels at a sports bar and call it dinner and a show. No, with a real woman you have to bring something new to the table, something that makes her sit up and say, "Damn, I thought he was a big dork, but now that I know he chained himself to a tree for Greenpeace, has two piercings hidden under his clothes, and once headed a punk/ska/bluegrass band, I want to get to know him better."

Instead, we sat at a bar, me growing tipsy from my second Smirnoff Ice (donations welcome in exchange for another mention in this space) and him hmmm-ing and oh-ing and doing that weird thing where a guy stares into your eyes like Bobby Brady when he had braces and saw fireworks after his first kiss.

Tip Two
Don't show your cards all at once, i.e. don't fawn and dote and make goo goo eyes as though you're already planning a trip to meet the parents and pick out out tacky china patterns at Crate&Barrel before you've even paid the bar tab. Play it a little aloof, flirt a bit, send a few quick glances across the table that say, "I'm nice, but I'd still like to rip your shirt off with my incredibly strong and agile tongue." Not, "I'll have your robe and slippers ready for you every morning and treat you like a queen, even if you cheat on me with my dad."

The Tally
Pros: Gee. He's a nice guy. I mean, really swell. If I had a little sister, I would trust him with her. Alone. In the woods. Far from civilization. Manuel's the kind of guy your mom would love. The kind of guy you introduce to your parents to keep them from noticing the hot guy you've been sneaking into your room at night. The kind of guy divorced single moms love because he's just so thoughtful and kind and stable and... unthreatening. Yeah, when it came down to it, I didn't get the slightest inkling of anything sexual or romantic or hormonal from Manuel. He may as well have been a Winnie-the-Pooh character, or possibly a Teletubby, minus the custard. Custard, or some from of pudding, would have won him more points.

Cons: I don't want to be threatened, but I like a challenge. I want my men to be able to dish it out and take it too. I want to know that he can do more in bed than drink warm milk and finish the Sunday crossword puzzle. Where's the passion?! Where's the chemistry?! Where's the fun?!

And Does He Score? Uh, No.
The date ended with a hug and small peck on the cheek, mostly because I felt bad that he drove me all the way home. We did have fun, and I could see hanging out with him again as long as there was no fondling or kissing or looking each other in the eye involved. Weeks have gone by though and he continues to IM me, asking if we can get together one night for dinner and wine and movies at his place. I appreciate his interest, but knowing just how interested he is turns me off even more.

If only I could find a guy to treat me like dirt, I just might be happy.