All the hype
Much like Harry Potter, Titanic, Viagra, and Scientology, The Vines were thrust onto the world's centerstage as "the next big thing." Whenever anything or anybody gets insanely popular so quickly, I start to feel that "fight or flight" response. I get scared and nervous. Call me jaded, but I start twitching when all the popular kids start freaking out over something new.

I avoided the Harry Potter series for ages, only to finally cave from curiosity when I realized that both my 12 year-old cousins and 40-something year-old mother were both fully into the books. And dammit, I've seen the light. I've read all the books so many times I've crossed the line of obsession and when I'm saying goodbye after a night out with friends, everyone knows that I'm going home to "Harry" - the main man in my life.

I eventually saw Titanic, but only once it came out on video, and I have still managed to avoid Viagra and Scientology (and other popular cults) at the ripe old age of 25. But living in Oz, I just couldn't escape the hype of The Vines.

In case you don't know, The Vines hail from Sydney, Australia. This may not sound like a big deal, but trust me, it is. Sydney is home to many amazing bands and musicians, but most of them will unfortunately never be known outside Sydney, nevermind outside the country. There are heaps of excellent bands all over Australia that the world will never hear of, so what's so special about The Vines?

Live In Concert Part I
I had heard part of their single "Get Free" on the radio, and I had seen the very end of their performance at the MTV Music Awards, but that wasn't much to go by. To be fair, I was going to have to be a big girl and go see them play live to understand what all the fuss was about. I had free tickets to their January gig at Sydney's Enmore Theatre and I was looking forward to this musical adventure. A few days before their headlining show I was at the Big Day Out music festival in Sydney and caught The Vines' first two songs. I wasn't intending on watching them there, as I wanted to be "surprised" at their more "intimate-venue" show, but the breathtaking tone-deaf-like singing stopped me in my tracks as my friend and I were about to go see another act. We turned back around and stood there, gaping, as kids pounded their fists in time to the percussion, oblivious to the lack of, well, music on stage. As we hurried out of the stadium, I decided the boys must just be having a bad day.

Live In Concert Part II
The crowd at their Enmore Theatre gig was slightly hysterical. I was having black-and-white flashbacks of old Beatles footage with girls squealing uncontrollably. Okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic, and I didn't actually see anyone crying, but it was still pretty intense. So the music began and the singing was, well, right up there with my dad's singing, and I use the term 'singing' very loosely. I looked around me, expecting to see confused and anxious faces going, "Um, what the hell?" but the screams and the cheers continued. Those poor brain-washed kiddies! As the night went on, I actually felt embarrassed for The Vines' singer, Craig Nicholls. It was as if he was half of Milli Vanilli, only he forgot to hire the dude that could sing for him during the show. I played close attention to the venue's sound guy and marvelled at how even though Nicholls had closed his mouth and stopped singing 5 minutes earlier, his voice still carried through his cagey little pal at the sound desk.

A Litte Respect
So while the vocals were continually disappointing, I was impressed by Nicholls removing his shirt. No pecks, no 6-pack, no muscular arms, no interesting tattoos - none of that usual rock star stuff, no way. He was just a smooth-chested white boy with a small gut and just a hint of man-boobs. I thoroughly respected that. It was an honest moment. If I had had a drink in my hand, I would have raised it in salute.

I think the rest of The Vines were fine. They probably have a lot of potential, but that potential will never be reached when they're so obviously nervous about what their singer is going to do next and I don't blame them at all. I learned a few 'rock star' tips that night.

What Not to Do on Stage as a Rock Star

1. Don't swing your microphone around near your other band members' heads for 90% of the show. It tends to make them uneasy.
2. Don't knock over your microphone stand, on purpose, multiple times during every song. You're just going to trip over it and you're also going to give your roadie a nervous breakdown by having to run on stage every 5 minutes to pick the stand back up.
3. Stage diving. Don't bother. The 90s are over. You've already freaked out your roadies and security guards all evening when you kept knocking crap over and when you climbed up the tall speakers and almost broke your neck when you jumped off of them. It's just silly. You dive and security has to jump into the crowd to try to pick your ass back up on stage. It's sad, really.
4. Don't smash up all your equipment and instruments and everything on stage before your encore. A little foresight goes a long way.
5. Don't take your guitar and start smashing up the drum kit while your drummer is still trying to play along with the rest of the band. It's just rude, and you're probably going to need him intact for the next song.
6. When you're really done playing, do you really have to start smashing your guitar and everything else up again? Yeah, yeah, lots of bands do this, but that doesn't mean it's not dumb. Why not do something original like tidy-up the stage after the show?

Almost Famous
Does it sound like I had a bad time? Because I surely did not! I was excited. I was inspired. I was happy. Why, you ask? Because The Vines give me hope. Maybe one day I can be a rock star too. I can sing off-key with the best of them. I can grow messy rock hair that gets in my eyes. I can swing around a microphone and knock my mic-stand over. I can trip over it repeatedly! I can fake a dazed expression on my face. I can smash the stage up with my guitar. Sure, it might take me longer, but I can do it! And if I do all these things, I can be famous too. Right?

So how did The Vines happen?
Okay, I was going to bore you with the half-assed research I did to explain The Vines' time-line/history/press reviews etc, but I'm lazy. Forget that. Considering I had just witnessed a wonderfully mediocre performance, I had to get a hold of their CD, Highly Evolved. Even though I was pleased by my affirmation that I too had rock star potential, I was having nightmares about their CD being like their live performance. Well, I am happy to report I can rest easy. The CD is absolutely stunning compared to the live set I witnessed. The tone-deafness is gone. There is nothing wrong with their songs. They're fine on the CD. Mind you, I am still extremely baffled by the whole world-wide fame thing, but at least I can sleep at night, well kinda. It's a good thing I generally don't give a damn about award shows as the NME Carling Awards on February 13th might just do me in. The Vines have been nominated for "Best International Band," "Best Live Band," "Best New Band," "Best Single" ("Get Free"), and "Artist of the Year." Frontman Craig Nicholls has been nominated for "Most Sexy Man," "Hero of the Year," and "Best Haircut." Oh, and my favourite thing is that The Vines are also nominated for both "Best Album" and "Worst Album."

I have since spoken to several friends who have also seen The Vines live, and have had similarly disappointing experiences. I am still the only one who takes their dodgy live performances as proof of my own rock star potential, but whatever. I don't know if there's an audio engineer out there who can make me sound as good on my upcoming CD, but I'm not going to give up just yet.