... Stop Being Polite and Start Being Surreal
What happens when you put seven strangers in one house... blah, blah, you know the rest. But what happens when those seven strangers are washed up celebrities? Well, then you have The Surreal Life, the WB's newest addition to the reality television genre.

Picture TV's Webster - in reality the freakishly tiny Emmanual Lewis - bunking up, with M.C. "Too Legit to Quit" Hammer, and eighties heartthrob Corey Feldman sharing a room with bad-boy rocker Vince Neil.

Add into that mix, 90210's brainy Andrea Zuckerman, Gabrielle Carteris; Baywatcher and Playmate of the Year, Brande Roderick; and bitchy Jerri Manthey from Survivor, and you end up with a mix of people that would make the cast of MTV's Real World Miami look normal. These ten celebrities will live in a house, together, for 10 days. No smoking and no news, although the housemates can call friends and loved ones from a tapped telephone so we can listen in.

This, my friends is just one show in the newest edition of reality shows dreamed up by television execs to save money on scripted, unreality television. I mean honestly, it would cost more to hire writers than to hire these washed up celebrities who are probably doing the show more for PR than money... though I'm sure more than a couple can use the cash.

The Real Slim Corey
Corey Feldman actually tells us in the first episode that he's doing this so people can see the real Corey - after being a child star and a rehab patient Corey needs some screen time to win over the people. In fact, he needs PR so badly that he asks his girlfriend to marry him on the show; the ceremony is supposed to take place during the last episode.

Of course, Corey turns out to be the most annoying of the bunch - at least in the first two episodes, and the trailers for upcoming episodes. In one argument with Gabrielle Carteris, he says he's a vegetarian for moral reasons. He doesn't think it's right to eat an animal; when she comments on his leather shoes, he says that's different. Corey never explains why it's different - and better - to wear leather from sacrificed animals and not eat it.

Corey feels like the type of person who has ADD and can't control himself, and he seems to be the type of guy who whines and complains about his down luck - blaming everyone, his parents, the fans, the business executives.

Stop... Hammer Time!
To this Hammer, in the second episode where the gang is forced to camp (no one but Jerri or Emmanuel have done this before - some don't even have jeans with them! Gasp!), tells Corey that he has no sympathy for any of them. They don't have it rough. So they haven't had a gig in a few years, he tells the group, pointedly at Corey, there are people out there in real trouble - working blue collar jobs just to feed their kids.

Hammer, of course, has become an ordained minister. During the show he's been preachy, but not overly so. He's more an older, wiser father figure than the minister on 7th Heaven - Hammer seems to be cool, in the first two episodes, although he did get overly dramatic about eating sushi off of a naked girl in the first episode.

That scene was funny. Turns out the only people who were willing eat the dinner were the three girls - and Vince Neil, of course, who sat at the bottom of the girl's feet for the view.

Dr. Neil Good
Vince Neil is a funny character in The Surreal Life. I expected him to be this wild rocker -- the wild rocker that I watched on VH1's Motley Crue Behind the Music. Turns out he's more of a laid-back guy who just wants to sit back and watch the show.

In the first show, he gets on the phone with his girlfriend and retells the story of how the six housemates (Jerri hadn't shown up yet) had to go food shopping with only $500, and how no one knew what they were doing. During the scene, Vince is just hanging out in the background - on the phone he tells his girlfriend, "I didn't care what the hell they bought."

To me, one of the most interesting of relationships is the one between Vince Neil and Gabrielle Carteris. It's a very subtle relationship. When she first enters the house she gives him a warm, "nice to meet ya" hug. In that same episode, when Vince reveals that he lost his daughter to cancer seven years ago, it was Gabrielle that gives him a hug and is the most distraught - being a mom herself. And in the second episode, the two are teamed up in a Survivor-esque battle to win luxury accommodations at the camp site with Jerri, they seem to be sincerely having fun and just enjoying each other's company and teamwork.

"I shall call him... Mini-MC."
One of the more amusing relationships is that of Emmanuel and Hammer. The minute Hammer enters the house, Manny - as they call him - reaches out to Hammer. They become bunkmates with Hammer on the top bunk. Manny follows Hammer around so much during episode one that I decide to call him Mini-Ham.

Emmanuel Lewis is an interesting character in the house. He seems to be one of the more down to earth of the group. He arrives driving an old Toyota Camry and he was the only housemate to get excited about the idea of camping in the second episode. "I wish I brought my fishing pole and tackle with me," exclaims Manny.

He can be annoying though. When he first comes into the house, we're shown that Manny giggles at everything -- he giggles at the bunk beds, he giggles at Vince, he giggles at, well, everything and nothing. And the poor guy actually brought in his People's Choice Award for display on one of the shelves in the house.

Playmate of the Year
Then there's the Playmate of the Year, Brande Roderick. At first she's painted to be this blond bimbo. She tells us that she loves her "family" at the Playboy Mansion and that Hef has been a great friend. She also complains that she's disappointed Jerri will be her roommate rather than Robin Givens who she grew up watching. And she is so excited at the thought of living with Hammer; "I used to dance to his stuff when I was growing up!" she exclaims to Gabrielle. She actually seems star struck by all of her new housemates.

By the second episode, however, I'm sort of drawn to Brande - even if her name ends in an e. She seems nice and friendly, and perhaps not the brightest bulb in the lamp, but she seems sincere.

The Bitch is Back
She also gets over her disappointment about Jerri. Jerri has the most to gain on this show, I think. She was painted as "the bitch" on Survivor - a point that Hammer has researched in his talk to "every day people." And Corey can't believe that Jerri is in the house because she's not a part of their "society" (what, a society of washed up celebrities?). She's too normal for them, he thinks.

When asked about her bitch reputation, she replies, I'm not a bitch, but I can be when I have to. Watch out, Corey. In the first two episodes she's calm, and really very nice. She is possibly the most likeable of the show so far.

Of course, it's all about how the editors decide to cut the tape together, and every watcher of reality television should know that. And the one problem with this show is knowing whether the house members are acting or not.

Sigh... Has-Beens
You feel like there is some sincerity in the group, and hey this group hasn't even had a 1-800-ATT commercial amongst them, so how good could they really be?

But one never really knows; at least with shows like the Real World take people who aren't used to the cameras so we get at least a few episodes before they get really comfortable - a few episodes where it's real. But I guess that's why this is called The Surreal Life.

As far as reality shows go, this one offers enough kitsch and enough fond memories of these has-been stars that I can't stop watching - even if it's all an act.