Ho ho ho
Christmas presents.

There are a million and one cultural clichés that define the month of December, all of them well-represented by impersonal internet greeting cards. I suppose we shouldn't forget the birth some guy in Bethlehem, and a lot of other people light some pretty important candles, but this is America folks. And here in America, December means presents.

When I think fondly back to my childhood holiday seasons, I think I remember some family members being there. Yes, I am pretty sure there must have been family members present because I have distinct memories of being forced to wear itchy sweaters. Was there some kind of ham dinner? I think so, but maybe it was Domino's pizza.

Presents present
Oh, but I am sure there were presents. 678 presents between the years 1982 and 1997, to be exact. Sadly, things have changed. There was a time when the presents were of a very different nature.

There was a time, long ago, when Christmas presents were toys. Real toys, like Castle Greyskull, radio controlled cars and the infamous Lego Black Seas Barracuda. Those days are gone now and we've all outgrown those itchy sweaters. If you are thinking of getting your close friend or significant other the latest in Power Rangers action figure technology, your well-meaning intentions are probably misguided.

These days, we all want "real" presents. Super-Sized Push-Up Extreme Presents with GPS enhancements and frequent flier miles. What is a person to get their loved ones this holiday season? Well, there are plenty of options.

The power of suggestions
For starters, you could get your friend a TiVo. In today's fast-paced society, it is all too easy to fall into the Television Gap. The TG is a growing threat in American culture; with every new program dozens more citizens are left out of the loop and rendered unable to communicate with each other using only witty quotes from television shows. Thankfully, TiVo can help keep you out of the harsh sunlight by making sure you never leave the safety of the television again. Consider this gift for the health nut you love.

For those with more cultured tastes, I recommend downloading the Paris Hilton tape and wrapping it in porn. Cell phone multitasking was brought to an all knew plateau with this classic piece of internet film and no Renaissance Man will be caught dead without it. Or so I've heard, because I could never download something like that.

What to get for the girl that has everything? Well, Epitan has developed a bio-degradable sun-tanning implant. The implant chemically alters one's skin to tan faster. Get your girl this lovely thing so she can be everything you want her to be that nature never intended.

If younger brother is gearing up to start college, get him a bottle of Jack Daniels. Is your kid sister starting high school next year? Get her breast implants. Of course, you can buy the baby in the family a $200 all-Nike baby get-up that will fit the little darling for all of two months. It's all worth it though, if you want your newborn sibling to grow up into a life of style.

My favorite thing?
TiVo, porn, J-Lo's clothes... yeah, all these things sound nice. But do you know I really want for Christmas?

A nice, itchy sweater.