An email from DJ Timid to a friend at work in the style of a Civil War letter.
Dear Kim,

I am writing you this e-mail because I am bored at work. I hope it finds you well.

Office life is hard, Kim, I won't lie to you. Last week, two members of my team strayed from their cubicles and were attacked by upper management. The only sure way to survive is to keep your head down and constantly consume coffee. I am secretly drinking decaf in order to stay lucid. I fear that they are tracking my movements with the fax machine.

I am saddened by your impending departure. I feel that you should reconsider, for I have growing fears that you actually will sleep with my brother. I will offer you the body of Dan in exchange for your promise of staying in MA and not blowing anyone with the last name of Johnson (unless I am really really drunk and won't remember it the next day).

Yesterday, I ate a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts.

I am interested in following up on your previous comments regarding the viewing of Freddy vs. Jason at a local megaplex. If you are still interested in doing so this week or weekend, let me know, either by telephone, instant message, e-mail or by yelling really loud. Please do not send a carrier pigeon, for I have found that they typically get caught in my bug zapper, rendering the correspondence nearly unreadable. This film has come highly endorsed by Skippy, a man whose opinion is always valuable when making difficult decisions.

If not, perhaps this weekend we shall rekindle our love affair with alcohol and drink and play pinball and plot further death upon our anonymous narrator foe from MTV. TRUE!!!

How are things with your gentleman caller, Miah? I hope they are well.

I made the terrible mistake of falling back into contact with the beautiful Dana on the day prior to this one. We made plans to share time and space next week, and now I think I will gracefully bow out, in order to preserve my own sanity and wholeness of mind. Her siren song will tempt me no longer!

If this letter finds you before the hour of 5:30, feel free to respond, thus brightening my day.

Have a great day, and don't forget to water the plants.

DJ Timid