Hey Loser

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Find out how you can publically eat with nobody but confidence. Many people find it pitiful to not have the companionship of dual mastication. Eating out alone often bears the image of a friendless loser with a dusty dance card. But there are many reasons why one would want to eat solo, and there are many ways one could put the friendless loser stigma to rest.

Enter: The Restaurant or Cafe
It is human nature for someone to size you up the moment you are seen, so if you are alone in the restaurant or cafe--like say...a McDonald's... --they will super size you up when you walk in! tee. You are unfortunately nothing but a superficial image to them, so you must play their game and dress the part of a winner. Wear a business suit when you go out alone, and pretend you are on your lunch break even if you're really there for dinner. Just remember, you are an important person, who needs his order rushed so he could make it to the important meeting.

But you could only do so much talking to a dial tone, gabbing away about pie charts.

Reading Materials
An important feature to the public loner is the prop he or she brings. Here is a quick guide on reading material and other props:

Do bring something newspapery. Any will do, from the Wall Street Journal to the Onion. By default, the paper's material alone gives you a worldly quality.

Do not write poetry or diary-esque monologues. If you have to, use a laptop instead of a pen and paper. The nerdiness will mute the melodrama. And while writing, do it without ever looking up occasionally, as if smugly commenting on the passersby and using them to illustrate how wrong the world is. When you get home, do make sure to kill yourself.

Do look like a student (bring both books and paper). To the public, people who look like they're busy studying is forgivable. To look studious, bring both books and paper to your destination and never leave one behind. Using this model, you can do either of the unforgivable things: writing the stupid shit or reading a book in a restaurant.

Books alone can often be pulled off in cafes, but in most restaurants, they bleed of awkwardness--no matter how proper your posture is. For some reason a book would look like you really thought this through, and planned on being there for a really long time.

Do stare out the window. Windows are there to stare out of, and if the host is wise, he'll take you to a good window seat.

Do bring a portable game system. The old gray Gameboys are ideal. True hipsters know that gushing about old school things serve as filler for the awkward moments you'd have with someone you're trying to bang.

Do smoke if you smoke and are able to. Although there has been a decline of the smoking image due to a health conscious America, it is still an acceptable social barrier which hides you from any awkwardness and insecurities. The smoke also creates mystery and intrigue. Like you just performed a magic trick or strangled a spy. If you're not a smoker, bring a mug of dry ice with you. Or just strangle a spy.

Do not draw in public unless you are good. You'd better be good, because if someone notices you secretly stealing glances at strangers, they're going to want to secretly steal glances at how good you are. If you're "foundation class good" or worse, people are going to be secretly laughing and you will be obligated to feel like a jerk. Practice at home first.

Check Your Insecurities at the Door
It all comes down to self confidence, whether you really have it or can fake it, and eventually build up to the real thing. In some places it's easier to build, like the cities--where it's more the loners are more accepted. So go there and work your way up to the smaller towns.

With time and practice with this simple guide, you could go from a loser with no friends to a winner with no friends.