Fuck Spider-Man. While you're at it, fuck Superman and The Hulk, too!
I sit at my computer on a Tuesday night, 6pm, slightly buzzed, on my way to getting drunk. (Just so you know, it's my day off, I'm of-age, so fuck you I'm allowed.) And, all I can think is, "Fuck Spider-Man!"

I'm thinking this statement needs some explanation. I just dumped my boyfriend four days ago. He's a Spider-Man freak. Understandable. I love comics, too. I love SciFi. I love good horror movies. I love Dungeon and Dragons. (2nd Edition, though. Please!) I love Kung Fu, especially Kung Fu movies. I own Fong Sai Yuk.

AND! I'M CUTE!

(I know what you're thinking: No girl who likes that stuff can be cute. Not to mention, we all say that about ourselves. But, no, really; you can ask Steve, the editor.)

I'm a fucking geek's dream girl. Aha! You say, "Except for, dumping the boy." So, why did I do it? He left me no choice! He said he could never love me - never... never... Did I mention he used the word "never"? Yeah, never. That he just "knew." He said sometimes you just "know."

I can deal with "not right now." I can handle that. "Not right now" is fine. "Not right now" could be maybe later? But, I can't negotiate with never. So, I broke things off with him. Like I said before, I don't think he left me much choice. No self-respecting choice anyway.

One week later...
Ok, so some of the previous anger has subsided. Now, I'm just heartbroken. This sucks. I cry every day. I wake up from dreams about him every night. I don't understand why he did this. My friends, male and female, have many theories.

• Theory One:
  He's scared. He can't open up. He's afraid to let himself be vulnerable. It's easier to retreat from the situation than to allow himself to have feelings for me and risk getting hurt. He's an emotionally unavailable, scared, little boy. Just like the superheroes in the comics he reads.

  Superheroes can never open up. They might give away their secret identity. They could put the people they care about in danger. They could put themselves in danger. Oh, it's all so fucking self-righteous; I want to puke. Of course, in the real world, the guys who identify with this bullshit are really just afraid of getting hurt themselves. So, they shut down. They shut off all their emotions because it's easier. At least, the superheroes have a worthy excuse, busy fighting crime and all.

  Fuck Spider-Man! He was always trying to get around Maryjane to date that snobby, bimbette, blonde bitch anyway! Like some snobby blonde is going to put up with you running around in a costume at night?!?

• Theory Two:
  He is actually psychic. He can read into the future and knows that I'm going to do something soooo terrible that any and all his budding feelings would wither and die. So, he just "knows" he can't fall in love with me. And why not? If you knew the future held only pain, I guess you'd find a way out of the situation, too.

  Naturally, this theory is total bullshit. No one just "knows." And even if they did, nothing's set in stone. I saw Minority Report. There is no "I just know"; there is only choice. THERE IS ALWAYS CHOICE. ("You still have a choice." I wonder if I had a minority report somewhere in his mind?)

  Ok, I guess I have to go back and address the fact that I feel he left me no choice. I guess I could've put up with his horse manure. Waited around 'till he either came to his senses or dumped me. Woo-hoo! That sounds like fun! You've gotta admit, that's not truly an option.

  And even if he is mildly psychic, and just "knew" I would hurt him or vice versa... Didn't he just self-fulfill his own prophecy?

• Theory Three:
  He never really cared about me... at all. I was just fun. I was a pleasing distraction. He was just biding his time 'till he could find a girl he could fall in love with, and I was just the fun-for-now girl. I was just practice 'till he could be open and emotionally available with someone else. Great! It's just what I always wanted! How did you know? It's too much; you shouldn't have!

  This one is the least pleasant of the theories, but probably the most accurate. He is completely offended by the idea that I think this; he has said as much to me. Which, I guess, most nice-guys would be offended to think they are capable of this behavior. But, if that's what you're doing, maybe you're nowhere near the nice-guy you think you are? Or anywhere near the nice-guy you're friends tout you to be. Because bona fide nice-guys don't do this to women. IT'S WRONG.

Sick and Tired
I'm sick and tired of dating guys like this. I thought this last one was different. He seemed different when it all started. He was very good to me while we were together. I always thought that the way a guy treats you was supposed to be some barometer for how he feels about you. WRONG AGAIN! (I should change my name to "Often-Wrong" Noonien Soong.)

I wish he had been open to seeing what could've happened between us. I don't expect any promises or guarantees. Just wait and see what develops. I don't know why that's not a do-able thing for guys. Fuck all y'all emotionally stunted, can't open up, chickenheads: Spider-Man, The Hulk, Superman, Batman, the whole lot of ya.

Ending on a Sad Note
Despite my bitterness, I'm still heartbroken. I cry every day. I already mentioned that. I repeat myself. (I never even got to wear any of my new bikinis for him. He would've liked them. We were going to build sandcastles on the beach.) A large part of me just wants him to come back, realize he's made a terrible mistake by letting me go - that he'll never find another girl like me. But, that's probably a futile wish and will never happen. Time to cry again.

-- Heartbroken Heather