The Professors/Staff
Responsible adults by day, consenting adults by night.

Professor McGonagall
She does have some strict rules in the bedroom and if you don't do what she likes, she might put you in detention. But when the mood is right, she lets her hair down and turns into an animal. Literally. MEOW! She's an animagus and the Hogwarts students only get to see her as a cat, but she's a <>wildcat to those 'in the know.'

Argus Filch
He spends most of his time cleaning after messy students in the castle all day, so the last thing he wants is to have to clean his bedroom too. No worries, he just puts plastic sheets over everything like grandmas do. Easy clean-up afterwards. When he's feeling extra frisky, Mr. Filch has got a thing for 'doing it 'in the dungeons, and he is way into the whole S&M thing - whips, chains, leather, the whole kit and caboodle. While all this may scare off a lot of potential suitors, the creepiest thing is how Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris, is always watching everything. However, as long as Mrs. Norris doesn't learn how to speak and suggest a threesome, you should be able to cope.

Professor Snape
Severus Snape secretly loves Barry White and prefers to leave his wizard robes and socks on while doing the deed. He also likes to be spanked - hard. In fact, he's got his own golden spank paddles with the Slytherin emblem engraved in them. He always gets a hard-on when he hears the opening notes of 'Love Potion No. 9'and though he suffers from occasional bouts of impotence, he can quickly whip up a potion to get business booming once again.

Hagrid
You'll know he's in the mood for a booty call when he's slicked his hair back with axle grease, he's wearing his most atrocious suit, and he smells as if he's drowned in after-shave. There's really only one important bit of information/advice you must know about sex with Hagrid - for the love of all things holy, BE ON TOP! ALWAYS BE ON TOP!

Professor Dumbledore
He practices tantric celibacy and is so fulfilled by it, he doesn't need anyone else, much to Professor McGonagall's dismay.

Gilderoy Lockhart
He's handsome, but annoying. It's all about him, him, him. His idea of foreplay is to take turns re-enacting his favorite passages from his vast amounts of published works. He'll make you suffer through at least five of his would-be epic adventures (while doing all the voices!) before getting it on. He likes to put on a show, but unfortunately he is a total failure in the bedroom, much like he is in the magical world. He is just so in love with himself, you might as well not be there. If he could have sex with his clone, he would. He has the heart shaped mirrors above the bed, and mirrors on either side of the bed, so he can check himself out from every angle.

For extra fun he has self-portraits of smiling Gilderoys primping and preening and cheering himself on throughout the entire ordeal. "Good one, Gilderoy! She loved that! She's so turned on, she's laughing! Good one, you sly dog!" Be forewarned, if he can actually tear himself away from his own reflection to go down on you, whatever you do, don't grab his head and mess up his hair or it will all be over in two seconds. So yes, Lockhart is a bedroom dud. But, he is damn good at memory charms, so be careful or he'll take your memory away so you can't tell the whole world how crap he is in bed.

Professor Trelawney
There are candles and incense burning. A bit of Enya plays in the background. The fireplace is lit, flames flickering seductively, and Professor Trelawney has just patted your ass. That's the signal for action. Just when you're ready to make love to the tiny dragonfly lady, she stops you from stripping down to your birthday suit and asks you to pick a tea cup, a crystal ball, or your very own palm. Your first response is, "What the f%#@?" By the time she's analyzed the tea leaves, gazed at your future in the crystal ball, and read your palm to see what kind of person you are and what lies ahead for you, you've forgotten what sex with another human being is. By the time she finishes your astrological chart, you have even lost the desire to just jerk-off later at home. If only she could have just "predicted" the number of orgasms she was going to have, you could have risen to the challenge. Hrmph. Her loss.

Professor Umbridge
This evil hag will never get laid. Ever.

Non-Hogwarts Wizards
Molly Weasley
She keeps a secret stash of doctored Gilderoy Lockhart porn hidden in her nightstand drawer. Also, she has a tendency to be quite loud in bed, so whenever she and Mr. Weasley are about to get their groove on, she pisses off the ghoul in the attic so he'll make so much noise the kids will never hear a thing.

Arthur Weasley
Mr. Weasley likes to do the wild thing in or on Muggle creations - in cars, shopping malls, by the light of Muggle light bulbs and lamps, on escalators, in elevators, in a room decorated with rubber ducks and plugs, you name it. If it was invented by a Muggle and can be kinky, old Arthur is up for it!

Lucius Malfoy
Mr. Malfoy is married, but his wife can't stand him, so he must turn to easy Witches to help him satisfy his sexual desires, the sleaze. The Witches he has affairs with must a) be 'pure-bloods' b) hate Muggles and c) not have prettier hair than he does. To be blunt, little Lucius ain't getting any action these days as he's too busy sucking up to Lord Voldemort and learning how to do things his old house-elf Dobby used to do, so after all these years, he finally has to learn how to wipe his own ass. Bummer.

Students & Hogwarts Residents
(When they all reach sexual maturity of course, because otherwise it's just nasty to think about.)

Harry
He will only do it with me, when he is of legal age, so no need to arrest me just yet!

Hermione
By the time our little Hermione is all grown up, she will have read everything every written about sex and will know all the Kama Sutra positions by heart. If Griffyndor got points for her sex knowledge, she'd win the house 10,000 points. In her spare time, for kicks, Hermione will write a sex advice column for the Daily Prophet.

Ron
Dear Ron will be very shy and turn the colour of his hair, open his eyes wide, and nervously clear his throat every time any sex topic comes up. But the lucky bastard will be dating Hermione, so he'll be in great hands, so to speak.

Neville Longbottom
Thanks to hard training with Dumbledore's Army and sitting next to Hermione in Potions class for seven years, accident-prone Neville Longbottom will be a big stud, scoring lovely girlfriends all over the place. His spell work is now impressive and Neville can brew a "Sexual Confidence" potion to give him all the mojo he needs should his new-found self esteem ever waiver.

Draco Malfoy
His idea of foreplay is to raise his eyebrows a lot [Honestly! That kid can only act with his big brows! If you had to take a shot for each eyebrow wiggle he did in the Chamber of Secrets, you'd be, you know, really really drunk. - Lisa.], tell really bad Mudblood jokes, and mention how important his father is.

Colin Creevy
Remember that creepy voyeuristic kid who lived next door in American Beauty? Well imagine less brooding and tons more perky and excitable, and that's Colin Creevy all grown up for you. He's a big time voyeur and after he graduates from Hogwarts his bachelor pad will be equipped with dozens of video cameras and still cameras, all set up at saucy angles to catch Colin and his flavor of the week doing the horizontal/vertical/diagonal mambo.

Moaning Myrtle
She likes it wet. Yay! She likes it cold. Boo! She moans. Yay! She cries a lot. Boo! If you ever wanted to have a quickie in a public toilet, she's your gal. And for those who need their privacy, the good news is, she'll never want to stay over at your place. The bad news is, she's a freaking nut job and goes from shy and cutesy to raging lunatic in all of two seconds. You better be nice, or she might make it her mission to haunt you for the next 50 years.

Oliver Wood
He brings whole new meaning to the phrase, "Sex on a stick." A broomstick, that is. He's hot, he's sexy, he's got a porn star's name, and listening to his Scottish accent qualifies as foreplay. Just as he takes you from behind, he'll lead you through a blow by blow of his latest Quidditch match. And because he is so masterful in all his 'plays' and 'positions' you'll almost forgive him when he raises his arms and yells, "SCORE! SCORE!" when he reaches the Big O. Of course, his dream is to try sex on a (broom)stick one day, but you might want to make sure you've got life insurance first and you'd be wise to start practicing yoga to enhance your sense of balance.

Percy Weasley
Let's face it - Percy wouldn't have sex at all if the Ministry of Magic didn't think it was an okay thing to do. While ambitious in his career, Percy is not the slightest bit imaginative in the bedroom. Girls, you might as well stay home with your vibrators, unless you only want to try the missionary position and nothing else. He refuses to kiss, lick, or do anything else orally to you for too long as he can't risk straining his tongue since he's giving yet another boring presentation at the office the next day. If he has a wee bit of alcohol in him, he at least becomes amusing and starts talking dirty, saying things like, "Who's your Head Boy!?" and "Call me Prefect!" and "I'll be your Minister of Magic, yeah baby!"

Dobby
He likes to use his 'freedom sock' to warm himself up before chasing Winky around the table in a round of foreplay.

Winky
She just swigs down butterbeer and does a slow strip tease for Dobby, starting with her tea cosy. Oooh la la!

Crabbe & Goyle
As if! They just watch lots of werewolf porn and eat Chocolate Frogs and Pumpkin Pasties all day.

This article is part of Newmoanyeah's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Week.