Whorelock
In a strange way, I'm almost impressed with the marketing minds behind Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - they've taken a book and turned it into Must Read unTV, a new form of summer blockbuster swelling with hype. And if you've managed to remain unaware of the return of literature's own magical Rivers Cuomo, I request the brand name of whatever sedatives you're taking; since the creepy aunt called Pop Culture that won't stop kissing, gabbing, and making bad sweaters has rendered escape impossible. June 21st [the author's 21st B-day and D-day - D for drunk] was HP-day for the millions of curious potentials and diehard fans alike, and subsequently re-ignited the ire of every friend and family member of those millions. It's as though the latter group has been confined to a Matrix where Agents are members of Oprah's Book Club.

GO AWAY.

So what's a Muggle to do when being mugged by Potterheads at every step? Stand and fight, to be labeled a close-minded philistine? Give up, and become another Hogwart on the ass of Auntie Pop Culture? Or ignore it like any other trend of its ilk: snap-on bracelets, wars in third-world countries, elections, etc.?

Spell It Out
The solution lies with you slitherin' griffinpuffles, the Friends of Harry. Please, take responsibility for your reading reactions. And by this, I mean stop acting like J.K Rowling Jehovah's Witnesses - you're as much of a cult as the one that follows bearded sky men that you guys keep having trouble with. Yes, I've heard the defenses: your hobby may be expensive (don't lie to me. I worked in a bookstore, and those hardcovers aren't cheap), but so are videogames and other fandoms. Yours includes bringing families together and away from the various screens they stare at all day, but hey, so do funerals. And as for them not hurting anybody, I'll spare your psyche the countless fansites.

The things that you may joke about people doing with those Nimbus 2000 Brooms is most likely somewhere on the Internet. And someone is probably paying good money to see it, too.

Just remember the rule of the library: Silence Is Golden. Ever wonder why when you start talking about the Whosis of Whatever to someone, your listener's expression becomes a screensaver of a thousand yard stare and a weak smile? Because he or she is looking at the nearest timepiece and counting the seconds until you stop talking about the Boy Who Lived to Rip Off the Indiana Jones Naming Scheme for his adventures.

Smoke and Mirrors
This fan thing is a two-way street: reverse the situation and imagine another nerd coming up to you to exhort the merits of his favorite imaginary universe, and see how much you could stand. I'm willing to bet there's only so much of discussions on phase shield variances and whether Greedo fired first or why Agent Smith and Magneto don't seem to have a problem with humans from Middle-Earth. People should only be forced to listen to another person talk about their hobbies only if they're sleeping with them, and even then more than once every couple of months would be pushing it. Believe it or not, there were people satisfied with reading other books pre-Potter, and will be again.

So the next time you feel like providing unsolicited advice to us Muggles, kindly stick an Every Flavor Bean in it. Enjoy your series of mediocre books being made into mediocre movies, and leave others to their own devices. Unless they're wrestling fans - bug those fuckers all you want.

This article is part of Newmoanyeah's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Week.