[The view of this article do not reflect...]
Summer is here in 2003, with beautiful fall weather. And now with the sunny yet breezy "maybe today it won't rain" season, all the babies spring up like a really cute roach problem or an adorable bowl of fleshy dumplings named Cutie-O's. Except for the white ones--they're the Ugg-O morsels that scrape the insides of your mouth when you eat the infantile chunks.

All babies are cute when you see them in action. They're curious and charmingly incomprehensible. Babies even smell cute. But aesthetically is the way I'm judging. If I was shown a row of milk cartons with pictures of missing babies, I would gladly point out the ugly ones--and they're most likely going to be white.

The Main Event
As newborn infants, white babies usually look like wrinkly old men that didn't develop all the way and for some reason they look like they should be thrown in a scrumptious bowl of black market soup. Along with their atrophy eyes are their swollen cheeks. Because, much like gerbils, babies like to store bee hives in their face. This would be cute for plenty of babies, but scientifically it doesn't complement the pasty pale skin that is the red light district for blue veins. I understand that it is hard to tan a baby. An oven probably seems attractive, but that's also illegal. Normally it wouldn’t be so bad, but infants already lost points from their universally throbbing forehead. You'd think they were bassaphonic but they're not. I held one up to my ear, but all I got was high-pitched screaming.

Problem Solved
If you are Caucasian you are probably going to be worried about your children in baby form. To remedy the "white defect" you should go with a non-white. Mixing it up with one (1) other ethnicity will usually yield a valid Cutie-O. Any race would do, but for the ultimate exotic flavor, it is known that any ethnicity that mixes it with an Asian is the most secure method of adorability. White guys with the fetish have already gotten it down, but the ladies need to do their part in snatching up the Asian man. In some parts of Europe, an Asian is the equivalent to gold, but smaller. Our one Yan Can Cook guy is their Brad Pitt. Therefore any woman with a yearn for fashionable babies they'd be proud to wear around their bust would go with this Oriental Imprint. Do it for the human race.

Related article: Dumb Cheap Shots at the Baby Dangler