June 12, 2002 - Along Came a Spider

Presenting Lori Croft in RoomRaider: Along Came a Spider

Oh. My. God. I am such a wuss. I am a big baby when it comes to spiders. One of my life-time phobias. It's stupid and irrational, but that's what phobias are, stupid and irrational. So I came home from a pretty nice and relaxing Monday around 6pm. Something caught my eye on the couch. I frowned as my brain tried to make out what this thing was. Immediately I thought that it was a bunch of the fake plastic spiders that came with my new "Croc Hunter" doll, a birthday present from Rammstein. I scratched my head and thought, "But, I didn't leave them on that couch..." So I take a step closer to the couch....and gasp....and scream bloody murder! Just one big scream.

My neighbours probably thought that I was being murdered or attacked by a banshee. I throw my bags down on the floor and start muttering expletives under my breath. I grab my mobile phone and ring Jon and Rick. "*#@%! There's a #&^-ing spider the size of my hand on my couch! Oh my god! It's huge, it's hairy, it's creepy, bigger than my hand! It's the size of my head!" So Jon and Rick are laughing at me, of course, and ask what I'm going to do. I say I will kill it, but am procrastinating from killing it by ringing them. The spider is moving ever closer to my fleece jacket. Ew!

Rick tells me to kill it with a shoe, but it's on my soft squishy couch. If it were on a hard surface, I'd have a shot. Spiders are creepy - they're hard to kill, when small. They roll up into a little ball and refuse to die. This is the biggest one I've ever seen in my house. I don't give a damn about spiders outside or at other people's houses, but in my house - I'm a wuss! So I tell Jon and Rick I'm going to "take care of business" and will ring them back when I've taken care of the beast.

[Oh, and just so you know, we're talking about an Australian spider here. None of these wussy American excuses for spiders. Do you know how many poisonous spiders there are in Australia? Too many! And this was not the time for me to whip out my laptop and get online to figure out if my guest was poisonous. The way he was just sittin' there on my couch, as if he owned the place. He looked like he was ready for me to hand him a beer and the remote control for the TV so he could flip on the Sopranos. Bastard!]

So, armed with two cans of Mortein (Aussie equivalent of RAID), I head towards the couch. I can barely even look at it. Why am I such a baby? I'm TWENTY FIVE! It's just a spider. Anyway, I start spraying madly. The spider is not impressed. It starts running across the couch and tries to hide in the sleeve of my jacket. Yuck. So I spray more. My couch, jacket and spider are soaked in Mortein. Half a can of Mortein later, the spider gives up, folds into a ball and dies. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Going to have to wash the sheets on the couch, and my poor jacket. So I ring Jon and Rick to tell them I've done it. They laugh at me some more. Jon says, "I've never heard you so worked up before, EVER!" I sigh and say, "I know, I'm a nut! They just freak me out!"

Jon: "It was probably just a Huntsman."
Lori: "How do you know? I don't know what's what!"
Jon: "Don't worry, it was probably a Huntsman."
Lori: "Are those poisonous?"
Jon: "Ummmmmm, no..."
Lori: "Are you just making this all up?"
Jon: "Umm, yeah, I actually don't know...."
Lori: "Oh god!"

What's funny is that if someone else had been here, I probably wouldn't have freaked out so much. I get much braver when other people are around, especially people who hate bugs/insects/whatever more than I do. Like, certain members of my family are terrified of spiders and even though I don't like them either, if there's one in the house when they are around, the more they freak out, the calmer I become and I'm able to dispose of the spider, with very little fear. What's up with that???? Maybe I should do a study on that - people who are able to overcome their fears when those around them become even more scared.

I just hope that there are no "friends/loved ones/relatives" of the spiders hanging around. Otherwise, I take pity on my neighbours, cause there's going to be a whole lotta screaming going on!

p.s. I got an email from one of my Aunts who is terrified of spiders and she said, "Why didn't you just vacuum it up?" Um, yeah right, do a google search for Huntsman spiders - lemme tell you, that thing AIN'T getting vacuumed up! It would be like trying to vacuum up a small cat!

p.p.s Do you like this dodgy 'Lori Croft' pic? It's all Rammstein's idea. He suggested 'Lori Croft' and 'RoomRaider' and the cans of Mortein and everything. I love how my neck just goes straight into Laura's obscene boobage!