Sucked In... I've Caught Newmoanyeah
[A little background: Timid was one of my Internet dates a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't find anything wrong with him to use in an article (except for the way he spent our entire time together talking about other girls he was dating, or interested in, or wanted to rub up against naked), so he never got a write up. Instead, I made friends with him and offered to let him tell the guy's side of things. And still he complains... - Lisa]

The problem is that I'm too damn nice. And when you're too damn nice to people, they just want more and more and more and more, and never give anything in return. [Are you complaining that I didn't put out? Cuz you never really asked. - L]

Case in point. Last Sunday afternoon I obtain free tickets to the WBCN River Rave through one of my most reliable contacts. Despite the total lack of hip-hop anywhere on the bill AND the fact that I had to fly to Dallas the next morning on business, I selflessly offered to take Groovalicious Editor Lisa to the star-studded affair so that she could once again moisten herself at the sight of Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro. And I'll tell you, it was quite the sight. If you think that five songs is a short set, you should try it with Perry Ferrell's high pitched, penis craving crones coming in one ear, and Lisa Turner's higher pitched, penis craving crones in the other. [Um, hello? Sexiest man EVER. - L]

So here's my real gripe: Week in and week out, little Lisa logs on and lashes out against whatever lame-o didn't live up to her ludicrous love standards. So, Lisa, what gives? Where's my write up? Have I not been a gentleman on each one of our encounters? Can't I get some positive press?

Personally, I think that she holds it against me that when she was a RA at BU, I managed to hook up with a pair of roommates on her floor in one night. [Yeah, right. Those skanks? Who didn't hook up with them? And I don't actually remember which ones they were. Bad RA. - L]

There's just no winning with you, babe. You gotta learn to give credit where credit is due. I think I've shown you a good time on a few occasions and all I got for it was this crappy writing assignment. I even introduced you to my parents for Christ sakes, and they said that you were cute and better than the usual girls that I bring home. There's just no pleasing some cyber chicks.

Timid Online, Tenacious On the Prowl
Okay, so onto the matter at hand. Dating just isn't what it used to be. When I was fifteen there was no world wide web, at least not at my house, and I had to be charming in "real time" to get a date (i.e., out in public, wearing more than my Sean Jean boxers, covered in Ben and Jerry's stains). Fortunately for some, these days are gone, and the Internet is a new option for guys who have timelessly used the excuse "if she would only take the time to get to know me, I'm sure she would like me for who I am." With the Internet, you have nothing but time, so polish up your profile, get an IM account that doesn't make reference to a character from Lord of the Rings, and prepare to journey into the final frontier: the female form.

The first step is setting up some ground rules, fellas. So for the sake of science, here are a few little tips that I've drawn up for you hopeless, sexless romantics out there, looking for love in the shadowy depths of cyber space.

1. Understand the 'Benefit of the Doubt.'
   Don't lie about your height or weight. It's obvious. You're not fooling me. Or Lisa. Especially not Lisa. Girls pay more attention to these small details then you will ever believe. And they also know that some guys are fat and that some guys are short, and though they are not likely to admit it with a penis in the room, these are forgivable shortcomings if everything else is as it should be. Hiding it sends a message that you are insecure and not worth the benefit of the doubt. If you lie about that, then who knows what else you are lying about? Is The Bell Jar really your favorite book? Are you really willing to discuss the Vagina Monologues over lattes? Do you really even have an ex-girlfriend?

2. Follow up to Number 1.
   If you're bald(ing), don't post a picture with your profile of you with a hat on. Please. That hurts even me.

3. Honesty is not your friend.
   For a moment, ignore what I just said about your weight, height and hairline. When you actually do get on a date, please, act normal, even if that means hiding your true self, temporarily. Understand that there are things about you that are weird. Don't wear a t-shirt with an ironic slogan-it will be taken the wrong way. Keep your opinions towards the middle. And unless it makes you a lot of money, don't talk about anything that you do that occupies more than four hours of your time everyday. This includes video games, web surfing, drinking, smoking pot, tai chi, advanced origami and jerking off. Keep all that stuff on the back burner, until she starts like you "for who you are." Then she can discover your quirks slowly and find them endearing.

4. Stay sober.
   Janeane Garofalo once said that you should never start a relationship with someone that you got drunk and screwed on the first date. Good advice, but not very practical for these days. I've perused a few profiles from guys on various online dating services, and most of you are the type of guys who would beg for sex from a girl like Lisa. [Awww. I think that was a compliment. Thanks. - L] So just do yourself a favor, stay sort of sober on the first date. If she respects you for nothing else, she will for that.

5. And most importantly (and lastly because this is running long)... always pay!
   My mother taught me an important lesson a long time ago called "Keep your options open." Just because you think that you don't want to sleep with a girl now, doesn't mean that you won't want to sleep with her later, and this way she'll remember that you were a gentleman from the beginning, and not just when your hormones kicked in.

The Research
If you don't believe me, then take it from my female friends. I had dinner with three of them at Devlin's last night, and if could have somehow traded my unit in for a vagina, then it would have looked like the lost season of Sex and the City. My friend Sara who seems as timid as a the youngest Brady girl, told me that she is still holding onto some screw ups that her boyfriend made three years ago to use against him in a fight. The take home lesson is, women remember everything! So just pay, don't make a big deal out of it, and consider it an investment in the future for some lonely Friday night when you are sick of masturbating to Sarah Silverman with the TV on mute.

Okay, I can hear the cute girls upstairs cranking some Wu-Tang and I smell something leafy wafting down through my bedroom window. I better go up there and see if they need any help fixing the copy machine...

If I'm back next week, I promise more tips to dating Lisa, along with a list of things that I would like to do with Sarah Silverman. Also, an in-depth look at why I hate guys who do tai chi.

Coming soon to a theatre near you,
Timid