How to Better Spend 30 Dollars
by Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer
May 12, 2003 + Boston, MA
Alderaan and the Titanic have much in common.
 I imagine that the survivors of the Titanic catastrophe, before they were all pestered to death by thirteen-year-old girls, enjoyed a special bond, a common ground of abject terror and bewildered gratitude for their unlikely survival. I bring this up because I, too, know what it's like to be bound in traumatic solidarity to my fellow creatures. For I was there that fateful day (already immortalized by Scattagoric writer Missie) when Editor Steve screened the Star Wars Holiday Special. While the Star Wars Holiday Special is no Stranded, I had comforted myself with the notion that I need never think of it again. And I had succeeded until I received the following e-mail from Missie:
I just ordered the 3rd season of The Simpsons and the first season of Futurama on DVD with my Easter Amazon GC. I decided "Titanic" and "Slurm" are definitely worth $30- a better buy than Steve's Star Wars Holiday special anyway.
In addition to the unwelcome reminder of a Sunday afternoon ill-spent, I was left with the impression that Missie is damning Futurama with faint praise. (The "Slurm" episode in particular is one of the most inspired bits of ickiness ever to grace network television.) After all, what wouldn't be a better use of thirty bucks than the Star Wars Holiday Special? Ten more preferable expenditures of the sum in question spring readily to mind.
- "Bat Clean-up for a Day with the Detroit Tigers."
- The New Webster International Thesaurosaurus, edited George W. Bush.
- Hire Vanilla Ice to perform at your prom. He's available.
- Eighteen cans of Cream of Mushroom soup.
- Audio Book: Melanie Griffith reads "The Scarlet Letter."
- Tie a string around thirty dollars and hide around a corner; see how many times you can pull it away from a "Joe Millionaire" reject before she quits chasing it.
- A pretzel, small Mountain Dew, and complimentary mint at the movie theater of your choice.
- Give it to an English doctoral student; it'll triple his annual income, and he can get those shots he needs.
- Two words: Enron stock.
- Take a cab eleven miles in any direction away from Steve's Star Wars Holiday Special.
|
