I'm a Contest. Damn.
Hello All.

So, last week I'm checking my email. La dee da dee dah. My inbox contains the usual feel-good forwards from people I haven't actually spoken to in months, spam aimed at enlarging my boobs, shrinking my stomach and increasing my income, and one harmless looking message with the subject "newdateyeah." I find myself intrigued. I open it and begin to read and slowly realize that it's some form of application to date me.

What. The. Hell.

I hop over to newmoanyeah.com, and sure enough, I'm the headline. I'm the prize of the week. I'm Editor Steve's idea of a good time. Well, I suppose that last part is between me and Editor Steve and his dirty little fantasies.

It's not that I don't love attention, but initially I was a little worried about the kind of men our site attracts who would be tempted to enter. (No offence, dear reader.) Remember, this is a site that features Do-It-Yourself Porn, Marvel vs. Capcom 2, and a review of Taco Bell 7-Layer Nachos. I figured at best I would get a group of potential suitors that looked like a cross between a Trekkies convention and a Comic Book Guy look-alike contest. And no, there's no difference between the two.

Well, some of the results are in, and I'm happy to share the most amusing of them with you. If any of you eligible hotties out there thought about writing in and didn't, we're still accepting entries, and we're making up the rules as we go along. So if I find one guy who I deem to be worth my time, I'm date him. If I find a dozen, then I'll keep my calendar full for the next few weeks.

And girls, send in your brothers, roommates, ex's, cousins, co-workers, and local crossing guards. If they want to know a little more about me, send them here and here.

Let's Meet Our Contestants
newbacheloryeah #1: Chad
Chad writes, "I'm not some guy who spends his life online looking for dates, I just happened to be bored at work today and found this and figured what the hell, has to beat meeting a girl by trying to rub my junk on her ass in some loud disgusting technoblasting club."

Well. From now on in, I'll just be referring to Chad as The Junk Rubber, if that's okey dokey by you. The thing with this flattering approach (being told that emailing me beats getting his face smacked in a club that he doesn't look old enough to even get into), is that even if Chad and I went to a tasteful restaurant and spent the evening discussing Cocteau and the role of French directors in the 1960s, I would still feel like his evening wouldn't be complete until he had humped my leg and maybe puked on my shoes for an encore. So Chad has his work cut out for him.

newbacheloryeah #2: Nick
"I guess I consider myself somewhat of an interesting person. I travel often for work so I've been to some really amazing places. I'm intelligent and thrive on spirited conversation. I'm Italian so I have that whole wop/guinea/makes great spaghetti sauce thing going for me (sans the uni-brow and hairy back, though). Plus I'm from Rhode Island. That's gotta be worth something, right?"

Ok, so no excessive hair issues and good food. That's promising, and he does have nice eyes. But he guesses that he's somewhat interesting? If he's not sure, then I'm not sure. Come on Nick, let's think positively! Come right out with it. Say, "I'm brilliant! I'm adventurous! I'm going to turn your world upside down!" Then do it.

And never, ever, mention Rhode Island. *Shudder*

newbacheloryeah #3: James
"I can't make your age requirements. And just like Homer in the accidentally pink shirt, "I can't wear this. I'm not popular enough to be different.""

This was actually in James' second email to me. The first didn't give his age, occupation, required photo, or anything else to convince me that he wasn't writing from prison. When I asked for more details I got this, plus the added bonus of learning that he has a kid. I like kids, got nothing against the kids, but I'm not interested in being anyone's mama. Particularly when I have the sneaking suspicion that James is 40 and possibly married, hence the lack of detail. And while attempting a Homer quote is admirable, this one made no sense in any context, at all.

Inspired? Well keep those entries coming (by emailing contest@newmoanyeah.com; see this article for the rules), and watch this space to see how the contest progresses, and who winds up grooving with the Kitten.