Quick Guide to Stalking
by Manolo Moreno, A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer
February 14, 2003 + Williamsport, PA
Disclaimer
 To avoid the mouthful pc-ness of equal opportunity gender referencing, I'll just stick with the all genital encompassing term: victim.
Are you a stalker? Here are some clues:
- The bricks you throw through your victim's window have love notes attached to them.
- Whenever you look through a window, out of habit you slowly claw the glass in a dramatic, yearning fashion.
- You don't have to use repeats when you wallpaper your room with photos of your victim.
- When your inmate asks you what you were in for, you say, "for stalking."
Boundaries
Everyone has personal space. The reason these invisible lines came about is probably the same reason maps have all those lines on them. They guard their territory like an overpatriotic country. And the only way you can get close to someone is if you have a passport. The border patrol stops you on these lines and start with the questions.
"Citizenship?"
"Age?"
"Any drugs?"
"Pork. What about pork?"
"So... what do you think, Burt?"
"I don't know, Burke. He lacks ambition."
"But he has a sexy jawline."
"Alright. Let him in."
Everyone is in their own country with their own set of rules and foreign policies. That's why they say to love your country, hug your trees, and if the immigrants are good enough, let them hug them, too.
What is attractive?
Something that is very attractive is desperation. Call every day and keep tabs on your victim. Make sure it's when they're trying to sleep, eating dinner, or making out with their significant other. Because they need a break from all that work, and who else would they want to talk to about their labor than with their favorite stalker?
Sure, the situation will get to the point to where the law steps in--saying something along the lines of "just as long as your victim doesn't know you're there." The irony is that the harder it becomes for you to get closer to your desire, the closer you really do become. It will get to the point to when you're in jail and your victim would snap out of it and think, "You know what? The way my stalker went through my trash actually was kind of cute. He looked like a fuzzy raccoon wearing black."
Stalking Tools
Instead of climbing trees and vines, use periscopes. You don't see too many periscopes around because they've become illegal. Too many security systems have been breached because of this spyware. It giving you the ability to see over a small wall, or around a corner and all. Popping your head out is a lot more noticeable than something that looks like a one eyed robot.
Remember Ultimately
And ultimately remember that stalking is illegal. Instead, take part in equally freak-like things that aren't against the law. Like taxidermy or bingo.
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