An Appeal to the Sith Lord of Marketing
Dear Mr. Lucas:

I am writing to request the return of an item, which was mistakenly, promised to you without my knowledge or consent. At your earliest convenience, could you please return my husband's soul?

You see, Mr. Lucas, since the release of your next installment of films in the Star Wars saga, my husband has become a shell of a man, driven through daily life only by his need to purchase Star Wars figures, watch (and watch, and watch, and watch) your movies, and mark off on the calendar the days until the release of Episode III. Our household has spent well over $1,000 these past few years on Legos, action figures and movies. And not just in theatres.

You are a cunning devil, Mr. Lucas, I give you that. First, there was the release of Episode I - on video ONLY! My husband begged, he pleaded. "But the DVD will be released in a few months," I protested. "But I want an oompa loompa NOW!" I caved; we bought the Special Edition video. And three months later, we bought the DVD.

Now most wives may worry about what their husband may do in a hotel room alone on a weeklong business trip. Worst-case scenario: hooker. Best case: porn. Not the case with my beloved. He sheepishly confessed to me that he paid $9.95 to watch Episode II... again. This is after seeing it twice in theatres, once on IMAX, AND buying the DVD!! (No pre-release video this time. You're slipping, George.)

Mr. Lucas, I am appealing to your sense of clemency. Please loose your hold on my husband. He is so clearly your bitch when, truth be told, he should be mine. I offer in exchange the soul of one Stephen, editor in chief of newmoanyeah.com. Wave a prop lightsaber in front of his face, and he won't put up much of a fight.

May the Force be with you,
Missie

[The image above is used entirely without permission, but WITH the greatest admiration. It was entirely too perfect to not use here. Please visit artist Roland Napoli's website for more info about the artwork. - Ed.]