It's an orgy of athleticism, commercialism, hope and despair. It robs the holiest of days from God himself and makes wagering the religion du jour. Technically, it goes by the name Super Bowl, but really, to every sports fan in January, it's simply just The Game. Everything from marital to commercial decisions revolve around it. There are fewer weddings Super Bowl weekend than any other of the year. More big screen TV's are sold that weekend than any other. And the alcohol consumption is second only to the 4th of July (God Bless America). So where do we go from here? Our forefathers fought the revolution to establish a republic bent on consumption and excess. But how to exceed excess? Fortunately, I have a few ideas that I hope will help keep the wheels of American indulgence moving. Forget that rinky-dink Super Bowl. Long live, the MEGA BOWL!

Put Me In Coach, I'm Ready To Play, hey hey…
It's possibly the saddest spectacle in all of sports - fans who think they're on the roster. They say "We won last night," or "We need to improve the defense." Sorry, I didn't realize your guzzling Pabst and cussin' out the kids was part of the Defensive Coordinator's game plan. With the Mega Bowl though, delusion becomes reality. Rather than a coin toss decide possession (must money control every aspect of the game?), let the fans duke it out for possession. A heated round of Tug-Of-War between 20-30 randomly selected fans should gets the blood pumping. Whichever fans win, their team gets the ball. Now you can say "We rocked at getting the first kick-off last night" with pride.

The Winner Will Advance, The Loser Goes Home
It's the mandatory overstatement at the end of any Playoff game. The winners get on their chartered flight to the next game, while the losers skulk back to their Playmate wives and glistening mansions. You really have to feel for these guys. But what if that weren't the case? What if the losers couldn't go home? In the Mega Bowl, the losers are forced to curl up with a blanket and sleep in the airport until the start of Training Camp. Meanwhile, the winners enjoy lap dances from the opposing cheerleaders in First Class. Now let's see some hustle out there!

Short-Attention Span Gratification
Football has more downtime than penises in an old age home. Why not make us of it? Rather than listen to Frank Gifford chatter about inane topics like turf conditions, let's see that undercover video of him with the stewardess in the hotel room. It could be made into a drinking game. Each time Cody or Cassidy's upper lip trembles from seeing their father disgrace himself everyone takes a shot. Or, let's get the mascots into the mix. Imagine the intolerable minutes between a play review filled with some Jackass-style stunts from the Philadelphia Eagle's mascot Swoop. Toss him through a ring of fire and see what happens. If he misses and catches fire, you end up with a flaming mascot, which should adequately describe the actor inside the suit as well.

That's enough to start. Once the kinks are worked out though, in order to stick to its true spirit, the Mega Bowl will have to top itself. How so? Don't ask me. I don't know crap about football.