[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

Why is Alyssa so damn ugly... she looks like a turtle.

Sincerely,
Antilyssa

Fuzzy Pink Staff Writer Kerry Sainato	Editor-in-Chief Stephen Lin
Um, yo mama.	Let's assume you're talking about Alyssa Milano. My gut reaction: "Good God, man! Are you high?" But then I thought about it and realized that as hot as Alyssa is, there have been moments were she looked only so-so and perhaps turtle-like. A 30 second web search for images produced the above image. So, to answer your question: "There is no spoon."
A Non-Ukranian Staff Writer Manolo Moreno	Caucassianal Staff Writer Kenny Hamshaw
Being compared to an animal isn't necessarily negative. A girl can be gangly yet elegant like a crane, soft and playful like a kitten, burly and looking good in flannel like a bear, and of course, very into pizza, like a turtle. "Yeah, baby, you like it slow don't you... that's right, turtlish girl, you need to come out of that shell and show me you wanna eat some leaves, or maybe a cricket. And when I go out of town I'll have my neighbor look after you. You'd like that wouldn't you..." Very sexy. I've been compared to a turtle before with the way i act and talk. A girl also said I looked like a koala and it eventually lead to heavy petting. So other than weird squid-looking people, being compared to an animal can get you laid. The only time an animal comparison didn't lead me to affection, it was from a small boy, who was calling me a monkey, and throwing rocks.	I once had a turtle named Mr. Green, actually I'm not really sure it was a Mr., you see it's not always easy to tell if... Who the hell is Alyssa anyways? I don't even know anyone named Alyssa. And besides, don't be so negative. Everyone is beautiful when they smile.