This is obviously a fake letter for the following reasons.
- There's no girl in ANY D&D groups.
- If by some stretch of the imagination there was a girl, I very certainly doubt she's "Cute."
- If by an even greater stretch of the imagination there was a girl, and she was cute, you would know that Female Elves only go for Warrior Class Humans with less IQ points than a one armed leperous Goblin Thief Non Player Character has hit points.
- D&D is for assholes. AD&D is where the action is at.
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If you can answer "yes" to the following questions, then your little Elvin friend is probably interested in you:
- In REAL life, are you LAWFUL/GOOD?
- In REAL life, are you able to wield a broad sword with superior deftness?
- In REAL life, can you summon a steed?
- In REAL life, do you posses any magical items?
- In REAL life, can you single-handedly defeat a Level 10 Ogre?
Do you get the picture? Try not to get too down. Everyone knows Elvin chics dig the bad boy anyway. She would've dropped you the first time your party crossed paths with a swashbuckling Rogue.
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Dear Sir Virginal,
Ahhh, the old does-she-like-me-in-real-life question. As a former Dungeon Master, I think I can guide you through this delicate situation. Ready? First let's see of she really likes you in the game:
- First, cast (or get someone in your party to cast) "Know Alignment". If she's "chaotic" or "evil" or both, chances are she's just toying with your character for personal gain. If she's good or neutral, then you have a shot.
- Find out all you can about her particular tribe. She might be one of those elves who have to marry a man by a certain age or lose their immortality. Uh-uh, you don't want one of those hanging around forever.
- Roll a d20. 1-10, she's just toying with you. 11-19, she like you but wants you to make the first move. A perfect 20, you better start shedding that armor knight-boy!
As for real life, it's really simple -- ask her out! Cute elves don't come along every day. And if she rejects you, you can have your paladin run the stinkin', flirty elf through with his sword.
Jay
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Dear Fellow D&D Geek,
First, are you sure you like girls? You're running a paladin?!? Come on! Everyone knows paladins are the lame-ass, goody-two-shoes fags of the D&D world.
If in retrospect, you decide you do like girls after all… Ask your fellow gamers and her friends if she's been asking about you IRL. If she likes you she may be asking around to see if you already have a gf, what your story is, etc.
Next (and here's a page from something that actually happened to me in the same situation), get her phone number from a friend. Call her up. And in a really intimidating, gruff voice say, "I heard you've been talking about me." Say it really mean and angry sounding, so you scare the pants off her. She'll deny it completely. It'll be great. She'll have no pants on.
Go round and round with accusing her and her denying it for about a ½ hour. Then, if she still keeps denying she likes you, say, "Well, IF you WERE talking about me, I'd ask what you're doing Friday or Saturday night."
At which point, hopefully she'll still like you and go out with you.
Some last notes of advice: If she does agree to go out with you, plan a good date, like going to a cool movie - not more gaming. Also, stop running paladins and play a cool character class; paladins are gay.
Sincerely,
Heather
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