[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Newmoanyeah:

Let's say, hypothetically, you're a high profile, squeeky clean, married athlete who's been charged with sexual assualt. Hypothetically, what would be the best way to keep your endorsement deals?

Sincerely,
Colby O'Brien

I understand your position: currently, you're no doubt feeling as screwed as your accuser says she was. First things first: damage control. Find a scapegoat to take one for the team in your stead to help put yourself in perspective in the public eye. You may not be Michael Jordan, but you're certainly no Michael Jackson. Surely you can select a coworker who's used to shouldering public ire - perhaps from ill fated 'entertainment' choices in being a rapping genie superhero video game character. Finally, be aware that there are other endorsements out there. Bail bondsmen, law offices; these are all well-paying companies that need a spokesman with name recognition.

Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer

"Nike -- America's number one getaway shoe!"

Oh, and as an added plus, the chick could get a nice deal with Dr. Marten by plugging their steel-tip boots for kicking your attacker in the nuts. See? It's a win-win situation!

Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer

The best thing to do is stick with endorsing products that only men buy, such as video games, basketball sneakers and Old Spice. This scandal will only really hurt the sales of your marriage counseling book and line of feminine hygiene products.

DJ Timid, Hip Hopped-Up on Goofballs Staff Writer

I have the sneaking suspicion you're a Laker. In which case, you deserve anything bad that happens to you.

Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief