More Sex Questions
as answered by Johnathan Mason, , DJ Timid, &
July 21, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
 We received two questions which are barely more than minor permutations of previously answered questions (Losing Your Virginity and Penis Enlargement). But, for the sake of our fans, we're answering both anyway. Here goes...
Girl asks: "How is the best way to be laying when you lose your virginity?"
Boy asks: "How do you enlarge your penis overnight without pills or pumps?"
Listen, Balky - since you and your mail-order bride are too old to be put through middle school health class, I'll answer both questions for you before you break out the goatskin contraceptives and do whatever dance of fertility native to your godless homeland:
If you want to know the best way to both enlarge your penis and lay to lose your virginity, the solution to both is for - and stay with me, now - the girl to lay on top of the guy's penis. The traditional position is peehole to peehole, but a multitude of positions are possible, as well as preferred. If you still need visual aids, there is a multitude of pornography both on and offline, as well as a series of sex toys, costumes, and particularly vulgar puppets that enhance the experience. Tell you what, let ME ask the two of YOU a question: how the hell did you two speds find mates and a keyboard to pound on, and I can't even ask a girl the time of day without her answering me with half a can of mace?
Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer
Dear Readers:
- I always prefer to lay horizontally, because when laying vertically I fall over.
- They plump when you cook 'em... I don't know what that means.
Lisa Turner, Groovalicious Editor
Virginity... Missionary. Any other position and we would both likely fly out of the back of my buddy's El Camino when he's trying to shake the 5-O on the off ramp off the Mass Pike.
Penis... Cover it in yeast and stick in the oven at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until brown.
DJ Timid, Hip-Hopped Up On Goofballs Staff Writer
Girl... Ideally, all hopped up on some kind of narcotic. I know they say your first time is supposed to be special. Well, you know how they say childbirth is the most special moment of a woman's life, even tho it feels like a watermelon's trying to pass through a hole the size of your nostril? Losing your virginity is like that, except the watermelon's going the other way.
Boy... Lymphatic Filariasis, better known as Elephantiasis. Yeah, that baby will swell up like you wouldn't believe.
Janet Choi, Sweet and Sour Editor
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