[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]

Dear Fellow Readers,

I got the new Harry Potter book, but I have no idea what to do with it. I get the reading part, but how do you even hold it open? By chapter two I had a bruise on my leg from resting it there, and if I hold it up my arms get tired, then go numb. I think my hands are developing carpal tunnel from this two-ton beast. What should I do? I have to know how it ends!

Ta,
Cy Zmaters

Well, duh, isn't it obvious? This is a job for your house-elf! The house-elf can hold your book for you! If you have several house-elves, use the scrawniest one so he/she can build some big beautiful biceps from this great upper-body work-out.

Warning: Do not cheat! The latest Harry Potter book has been specially treated to deal with sneaks and cheats who try to find out the ending without reading the book straight through. You will be cursed in a big and bad way. The spell put on the book prevents the cheater from ever being able to watch a movie or read a book again without knowing the ending first. You will never be surprised again! So, behave!

Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer

Your first problem was trying to read it. Obviously a rookie mistake. Try using the book for one if its more suitable uses: door stopper, paper weight, kindling... or hollowing out the inside to hide money or drug stash from your cleaning lady.

If none of those work for you, attempt to lift the book in one fluid motion and drop it directly into the nearest trash can. Next, alert local sanitation collectors that the trash bag should be incinerated immediately to prevent the spread of a mind-numbing, consumer-driven disease that preys on those with low centers of reality and causes middle-aged people to walk around malls and movie theaters in wizard costumes as if they were fucking Peter Pan.

DJ Timid, Hip-Hopped up on Goofballs Staff Writer

This is very simple, really. All you need to do is tap the book with your wand and say "Wingardium Leviosa!" Be sure to pronounce it: win-GAR-dee-um lev-ee-OH-sa. We all know what happens if you emphasisze the "sa" at the end now, don't we? Ha ha, that wouldn't be any good. The book should then levitate to a height that is convenient for you to read from, leaving both hands free to eat a sandwich or hold your pet rat. You may want to practice with a smaller book first, or perhaps a (dull) pencil, just until you get the hang of things.

Lisa Turner, Groovalicious Editor

I was thinking of hiring a little person and propping it on their head. This way, not only do you not have to carry the book, but it'll also have it's own propulsion system!

Stephen Lin, Editor-in-Chief

This article is part of Newmoanyeah's Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Week.