Hey Hey We're the Monkeypox
as answered by Matt, Lori, Timid, & Jennifer
June 16, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 What the hell are monkeypox, and how do I keep them away from me?
Sincerely,
HypoScaredOfMonkeypoxDriac
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear HSOMD:
Monkeypox is the latest unlikely illness with which the media enjoy scaring the hell out of us. Remember about a dozen years ago when we were all going to die of Lyme Disease despite the fact that it was fatal only to hobos and people over 90 years old? Same thing here. Monkeypox is characterized by excessive brachiation and a trance-like state in the presence of organ grinders. I myself have had an acute case for over two years, and no one seems to have noticed.
Interestingly the main carrier of monkeypox in the United States, aside from e-mail advice from infected correspondents, is monkeys. Well, not so much monkeys as prairie dogs. Needless to say, the prairie dogs are pretty upset that they're doing all the contagious heavy lifting without getting any billing in the disease. They've even filed a lawsuit and gained a temporary injunction, but the monkeys are (groan) appealing the decision. The compromise name of Rhesus Pieces has garnered little support in either the simian or ground rodent communities so far.
Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer
Dear Cheeky Monkey,
Well, doh, stop dating monkeys. Stop snogging monkeys. Just stop. I know it will be hard, but it's time to get back to dating your own species. I know that once you've had a bit of monkey-lovin', it's hard to go back to boring old humans, but if you thought chicken pox was bad, well, let's just say, you don't wanna go there...
P.S. You might wanna stop dating Prairie Dogs too. Sorry... bummer...
Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer
Dear HSOMD:
Monkeypox, ehh? Well, let me put it this way. Remember back in junior high in health class when they showed you how to apply a condom on a banana? Just review your notes from then and you should be all set. Oh yeah, and since you are thinking of junior high, in case you're wondering when that "awkward phase" you're in is going to pass, well, sorry, but it isn't.
DJ Timid, Hip-Hopped-Up on Goofballs Staff Writer
Dear HSOMD:
Stay away from the Zoo!
No seriously! Who the hell keeps prairie dogs for pets! The only people who even seem to care or know about this are those of us in the Midwest. We lived through the West Nile Virus last year (which is back now and carried by Mosquitoes)... I don't think I have to worry about any rogue prairie dogs biting me this summer.
Jennifer Saylor, Comic Conventional Staff Writer
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