Oral and Digit-al Pleasure
as answered by Lori, Kenny, Missie, & Paul
May 5, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 I am a 16 yr old virgin, ad i need advice n how t finger ad orally please my girlfriend.
Sincerely,
Another Virgin
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Virgin:
How to finger your girlfriend... well, fingers are a good start, but don't be a wuss - use both hands and whip out some massage oil and give your gal a nice back and neck massage.
As for oral pleasure, I recommend taking some voice lessons and singing her a romantic song you wrote for her yourself. If your voice makes dogs cry in the next neighbourhood over, just find someone else who can sing it for you and you can lip-sync along. She should appreciate the effort. ;-)
Lori Shea, Smoof Like Butta(fly) Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
Save yourself the trouble and just get her a Pocket Rocket.
Kenny Hamshaw, Caucassianal Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
Unless you're a MARRIED 16 year old, you don't need this kind of advice. Because NO ONE engages in those kind of acts before they're properly married. After the wedding, then can such acts occur, but only through a sheer screen with a hole cut out, and with as little physical contact as possible. Preferably none.
I'm sure everyone you ask will give similar advice, unless, as I said before, you are married. But what are the odds of that at 16? Oh wait, are you from West Virginia?
Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
Well, the best way you can learn to do this is... rent porn, lots and lots of porn. Make sure it's just girl/girl porn because guys in porn really don't know how to do this.
Another good thing to know is that before you go down to no man's land (as I like to call it), caress every other part of her body. Leave that part alone. Kiss her lips, caress her hair, kiss her everywhere but down there (gentle kisses not slobbery ones). Keep the anticipation up. Rub her inner thighs and her outer thighs. Keep this up for about 15 minutes and then dive in slowly. Put your hot breath on it. Keep in mind that it's not a pie eating contest.
Then do what they do in those girl/girl pornos. You might want to get a bit kinky and try shaving it first. Slow is the way to go. And if she grabs your head and pushes it in, resist. But, this is always a good sign that you are doing well. Of course, if you sense no movement whatsoever you might want to go up and give her some gentle kisses on her lips and whisper some very lovely compliments about her body just to relax her and proceed to build the anticipation.
A man's body is like a gun. Click of the revolver and we're done. A woman's body is like a farm. You have to move slow through the fields. Seeding, planting, nurturing until it yields fruit.
Paul Shim, PoetTech Staff Writer
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