House of 1,000 Corpses a Good Date Flick?
as answered by Johnathan, Kerri, Joel, & Janet
April 28, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 Under what circumstances would Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses be considered an acceptible date movie?
Sincerely,
A Virgin
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Virgin:
The only way I could see that happening would be if your date were an actual corpse. The living should never be privy to such an awful movie, and besides, you know you've been looking for the right time to take that body in your closet and let it get some fresh air. Although if you must take a non-expired companion to the House, it'll be a perfect way to end a relationship with that person, be they significant other or family member. Lord knows my dad still won't talk to me after I took him to see Batman and Robin.
Johnathan Mason, JapaNerd Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
If it concerns the guy paying for the ticket and popcorn, let me know when you're free.
Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
Ahhh, the timeless art of taking a date to a horror movie. The perks of bringing a chick to see a horror flick are obvious; the curtains rise, the tension builds, and your innocent little date buries her face in your shoulder, as you, her big, strong man, gently push her head towards your lap.
Now, in theory, it's a great idea. Anytime you take a girl to see a movie that forces her to turn her head, you become the obvious center of attention. Whether it be a psychological thriller like The Silence of the Lambs, a supernatural horror-fest a la The Exorcist, or a truly terrifying abomination like that last Batman movie, these films are a sure-way to get your date looking to you for salvation.
But, you didn't ask about seeing just any horror movie, you specifically asked about a Rob Zombie movie which was rejected by studio after studio, presumably because of its unabashed use of blood and gore. While I haven't seen the movie, the title (which I like to call HO1KC just because it sounds sooooo cool when you reduce long titles to a few letters and numbers) suggests a movie rife with, uhmm, dead bodies. I'm guessing these dead bodies somehow become undead, and then work on making some not-yet dead people dead. I'm also going to go out on a limb and predict a plethora of painfully pestilent predicaments involving pugnacious post-alive, pox-prone, profligate pricks who leave our protagonists phucked.
So, needless to say, skip the flick and take your gal to the local Dairy Queen. The movie looks kinda stupid.
Joel Why, Curious Staff Writer
Dear Virgin:
If you are male: As retaliation for having to sit through a chick flick, such as How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days.
If you are female: As a favor to your date for seeing How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days with you last weekend... but only after he's bought you dinner, a dozen roses, a diamond ring, and a limited edition Mercedes Maybach. Time is money, and for wasting 88 minutes of your life he should compensate you accordingly.
Janet Choi, Sweet & Sour Editor
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