Zelda Has Balls in Sling
as answered by Missie, Matt, Kerri, & Kenny
April 13, 2003
[REDUNDANT WARNING! The advice seen here is for entertainment purposes only! Newmoanyeah will not be held liable for anything. Got it? Good.]
Dear Newmoanyeah:
 Is there any way to break my unholy obsession with the Legend of Zelda franchise or has Nintendo got my balls in a permanent sling?
Sincerely,
Another Link in the Chain
[Real name withheld by request. - Ed.]
Dear Link:
I, alas, have no advice for this. But I did have an in-house expert: my husband. He feels what broke his "unholy obsession" with Zelda was Rogue Squadron. Whether an unholy obsession with Star Wars is any better, I tend to think not (see "Lucas' Bitch" article).
Also, the fact that it took him three days to find the sword in "Ocarina" was enough to break his enamor of Zelda for the time being.
Anyway, it's not probable that you'll be needing said balls, as procreation is pretty much out of the question since you are likely to be a virgin until you are 47.
Missie Horal, Scattagoric Staff Writer
Dear Link:
The only hope is for someone to scare you straight, so here goes. Boston Metro informs me that organizations as diverse as the U. S. Army and Hizbullah are using video games as recruitment tools. I happen to know for a fact that, while Nintendo distributes the Zelda franchise, the games are actually designed by a subsidiary of the nefarious Keebler corporation. You might think you're trying to rescue the princess, but really you're being subliminally molded into a perfect little drone for the cookie mines. Do you know how many people die from shortbread lung each year? It's appalling. And this elfin cabal has already claimed Tastes Like Burning newmoanyeah writer Jay Mastaitis.
I know it's not easy, Link. I myself am readily addictable to cartoonish fight games. But I've never understood the appeal of LoZ. I mean, if I wanted to scramble around haphazardly trying to acquire skills with limited real-word applications in a precise sequence, I'd enroll in grad school. What's that? I did WHAT? Ahhh, crap!
Matt VanWinkle, Lemurish Staff Writer
Dear Link:
The Legend of Zelda, eh?
Well, I've never played it. I've seen that new commercial though. What's the deal? Are your balls in a sling because you can't save that apparently twelve-year-old girl?
Isn't that a little wholesome, a little sick, and a little girly?
Wouldn't you rather go around stealing and looting treasure and shooting bad guys who get in your way?
Have you considered watching yourself as a sexy, strong woman able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, crawl through tight spaces despite the snugness of her shorts…are you ready for your balls to be in a different kind of sling?
The only way to cure yourself of an obsession is to find a new one... allow me to introduce you to my good friend... Lara Croft. She can cure anything.
Kerri Skarfe, Otherworldly Staff Writer
Dear Link:
Yeah, you're pretty much screwed. Much like Zelda makes Link run around in circles, Nintendo is doing the same to you. You may as well just try and live with it. Make use of that gamer knowledge! Build yourself an Ocarina and play a song for your girlfriend (oh whoops, you play video games don't you?). Well then, how about making your kid brother a Link costume for Halloween? I'm sure he'll thank you when he's older.
Kenny Hamshaw, Caucassianal Staff Writer
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